Rent

Don’t you just hate it when one of your former roommates up and marries into a wealthy family, starts charging you rent after letting you live in a humongous flat for over a year, and tries to hook you up with a steady income? Doesn’t it make you want to have unprotected sex, pursue financially unstable careers, shoot up drugs, and sing emotional rock ballads in the rain/cold? Not really? Well, that’s what happens to those crazy NYC bohemians in Rent, the film adaptation of the award winning play by Jonathan Larson.

I L-O-V-E musicals, but Rent is not your typical musical. It’s very rock ‘n’ roll-ish. It features some pretty dark themes. The 80s fashion is pretty terrible. Frankly, it’s not my cup of tea. However, after seeing the 525,600 minutes [“Seasons of Love”] music video, I mean, trailer, I just had to see it, even if I suspected that I wouldn’t really be into it.

I never saw the stage production, nor did I make it through the entire OST, but I went into Rent hoping that I too would fall in love with the Pulitzer Prize winning musical that everyone’s talking about. Unfortunately, I came away still uncertain of Rent’s greatness.

It’s really hard to make fun of Rent, because

a) It’s a musical about AIDS, societal outcasts, poverty, love & friendship [yay for pro-social messages!]

b) It features a stellar cast including Idina Menzel [Wicked!], Jesse L. Martin [Law & Order!], Taye Digs [hot!], and a bunch of really talented, not-as-widely known actors from the original production of Rent.

c) The writer & composer of Rent, Jonathan Larson, tragically died on the night of the final dress rehearsal.

d) The stage production has won numerous, credible awards (I’m not talking People’s Choice or MTV. I’m talking Pulitzer & Tonys, people).

If you loved Rent, the stage production, you’ll probably love the film (even though Rosario Dawson plays Mimi). If you enjoy musicals but not a Rent fan, you will find the film bearable, if not, mildly entertaining. If you’re not into musicals, then Rent is probably not for you. If you hated Rent, then I don’t know why you went to see the film.

As far as film adaptations go, I think Chris Columbus did a solid job. We’re currently in an era, where, unless you are a Fox animated television series, it’s difficult to break into a meaningful song & dance number without making your audience a little uncomfortable. Columbus does a fine job of balancing the musical’s humor and borderline-campy rock numbers with the sincerity of the story’s themes (AIDs, death, poverty, friendship, and love). Granted that Columbus made a few blunders like filming Roger against the “Santa Fe” canyons while he sings some stirring rock ballad (too much like Britney’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman] or his liberal use of table-top dancing to signify joy, overall, I think his adaptation of Rent gives hope to the future of film adaptations of hit musicals (i.e., Wicked).

I can't say that I enjoyed Rent, but I'm definitely glad that I checked it out.

My recommendation: Definitely check out the trailer. As for the film, probably not a good pick for musical haters, homophobes, racists, or the close-minded, but for everyone else, I say it's worth checking out.
Tip: If at any point in the film you start to wonder why you ever heeded the recommendation of my crappy blog, just conjure up the "Seasons of Love" song and all will be better.

NON-crap

I'd like to take a moment to step away from all the crap & ridicule, and highlight some genuinely enjoyable rentals:

Millions (2004) Don't be turned off by the cheesy cover. It's a heartwarming Brit flick about two brothers who find a bag full of money -- millions! The younger brother, Damian (Alex Etel) wants to donate the money and help the poor. (He goes around his suburban neigborhood asking, "Are you poor?") Savvy older brother, Anthony (Lewis Owen McGibbon) wants to spend and invest the pounds, before England switches over to the Euro. The cast is superb, but most noteworthy is Alex Etel, simply winning as a golden-hearted boy, with a quirky obsession with Saints. The film is chock full of humor, a bit of suspense, and of course, a few tear-jerking moments. In addition to a wonderful story, Millions features a stellar use of special effects, subtley done, yet visually captivating. Don't be a jerk. Go rent Millions.

Firefly, TV series (2002), Short-lived, 1-hour show on FOX, cancelled due to poor scheduling and poo-poo head TV execs. I'm addicted. Firefly chronicles the adventures of a noble-hearted crew of space smugglers, led by ex-rebel solider, Captain Malcom Reynolds (Nathan Fillion). Set way in the future, where Earth is no longer existence, and humans have settled far into the "outer" planets, creating a Wild West-like era, Firefly, features a richly developed fictional universe, where prostitution is a legal and a well-respected profession, Chinese culture and language are as prevalent as English, and the central government is corrupt (ala Star Wars). I realize that the show sounds very sci-fi (which it is), but I think it will appeal to all audiences -- if given the chance. It's super funny; full of action & drama, sometimes a little creepy... did I mention that it's funny. Trust me: Watch one disc, then you'll be pissed off that this show is no longer on the air.


Rosewell, TV series (1999-2002), My addiction before Firefly. Basically, about three teen aliens and their life in Rosewell, New Mexico. It's much cooler than I make it out to be. I heart Max (Jason Behr) and you will too after you experience Future Max. Full of romance, humor, action, sci-fi, suspense, and a catchy theme song by Dido.
As long as you stick with Season 1 and Season 2 (Don't go to season 3. It'll just taint your love for Roswell.), you will love the show and it's rich characters.

Batman Begins (2005), Christian Bale rocks, Michael Caine is lovable, and Katie Holmes isn't on screen very much. Action scenes are a little too long for my taste, but Batman Begins is a good reminder of why Batman is so much cooler than Superman. Not as campy as the earlier Batman films, Batman Begins takes the story of Bruce Wayne aka Batman seriously -- yet, in an entertainming manner. Solid movie. Skip the illegal download. Definitely, worth a rental.

Saw II [Somewhere in between the theaters & blockbuster]

If you saw the original Saw movie you probably went into it thinking that it was going to be a big piece of crap, but instead, were pleasantly surprised. If that's the case, you probably went into SAW II thinking that'd it be just as cool, if not cooler. Sucker!

"Jigsaw" is back (despite having lain facedown in a pool of blood for hours and hours in a horrifically dirty restroom), and he's up to his usual shenanigans. Confronted with his impending mortality after being diagnosed with cancer, Jigsaw has taken it upon himself to teach society’s lowlife the value of life by chaining them to some horrifically ingenious contraption of death, forcing them to choose between death and a highly unattractive means of escape with about a minute’s notice. This time around, Jigsaw’s set up a whole house full of idiots: token Latino hothead (Franky G – that’s the actor’s chosen name, I swear), Lucy Camden on Prozac (Beverly Mitchell), token non-threatening black guy (Glenn Plummer), token threatening black guy (Lyric Bent), the ditz from Becker (Shawnee Smith), the doctor with big eyes from Smallville (Emanuelle Vaugier), seedy looking white guy (Tim Burd), and a forgettable, angst-ridden teen . Add in Bai Ling, and you got yourself a United Colors of Benneton ad.

In the first film, the cops weren’t taking the whole Jigsaw drama very seriously. I mean, they put Danny Glover on the case, but come on, Danny Glover hasn’t been the same since that last Lethal Weapon (Come on now, The Cookout!?! Mr. Glover, what are you doing? Do you need some money?) This time, however, they have a whole team on the case, lead by badass cop, played by badass Donny Wahlberg and an alleged “Jigsaw” expert, played by Dina Meyer.

So at this point, you must be wondering, so how exactly is this movie different from the first one? First of all, it’s got a roman numeral two in the title. Secondly, it’s got… did I mention it’s called “Saw II”?

I'm really into supporting the struggling careers of former NKTOB members (I mean, did you catch Jonathan Knight on Oprah? Who would've thought he suffered from some serious stage fright? Okay, I guess it's not that big of a surprise...), but come on Donny, help us out here. You have to lighten up. There’s no way anyone can take you seriously. Jordan and Joey have realized this. There’s no need to try so hard. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but let’s face it: you’re never going to win an Academy Award. Take a cue from Cary Elwes in Saw (the Original). He played it serious, but at the same time, you could tell he knew what he was getting into. He was like, “Wassup, America. I know I gained a lot of weight. I know I look old. I know that this Saw thing may turn out to be a huge flop, but you know what, I was in the Princess Bride, biatches. That’s what’s up.” Donny Wahlberg is how Tyra Banks is with the whole talk show thing. He’s thinking that this is his next BIG thing, when, in truth, all it will get him is syndication on Action 36.

That’s the problem with SAW II. I mean, there are many problems with Saw II, but perhaps most annoying is the bad acting. I saw the first one. I know it’s intense, but can we turn it down a notch every now and then?

I know that Jigsaw is freaking ca-razy. He’s going to kill people. Nobody can really help them. He’s got a really scary puppet thing that rides around on a rusty tricycle. I’d certainly be freaking out if I were one of them, but the problem is, this is a MOVIE, not real life. We don’t need to see two hours of annoying, freaked out people, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I’m no film expert, but I think movies are much more enjoyable when the audience has at least one character to sympathize with. It’s nothing but slim pickings in Saw II.

Option A: hotheaded detective who doesn’t give a crap about anything
Option B: Annoying expert who claims to have been studying Jigsaw for years yet knows NOTHING
Option C: A stupid lot of victims who couldn’t survive their way out of a paper bag
Option D: Psychotic serial killer, dying of cancer

If you forced me to pick, I guess I’d have to go with option D.

One goes into sequels with the hope that the second film will be just as good, if not better than the original. Perhaps we need to stop deluding ourselves.

I should mention that Saw II opens up the possibility for a Saw III. If you are one of the crazies who makes it out for Saw III, all I can say is: You FOOL! I guess I’ll see you at the theaters next year around Halloween.

My recommendation: So not worth it, but still better than Into the Blue.

Into the Blue [Out of Theaters, Thank, God.]

Ab-flex poster couple, Sam (Jessica Alba) and Jared (Paul Walker) are blissfully living somewhere in the AmeriCaribbean with nothing but a golden tan and killer abs to their name. Sam is completely content with their humble lifestyle: cozy little trailer, rusted boat with a huge whole in the middle, and their alleged three-legged dog, while Jared longs for a better life for him and Sam. Jared's solution? Search for sunken treasure along the ocean floor using naught but a snorkel and metal detector. Unfortunately, as all crappy underwater movie adventures go, the ocean produces some unexpected surprises. And, when I say "unexpected surprises", I really mean, "some random predicaments strewn together in an effort to produce some semblance of suspense and action."

There's nothing Into the Blue can offer that a glossy poster of Jessica Alba or Paul Walker can't do. It's as crappy as you think it'll be.

Here's how I imagine the pitch meeting for Into the Blue went:
..............................................................................................................
2002
Los Angeles

Producer: Boy, do I got a hit for you! You know Jessica Alba, the chick from Dark Angel? She's going to be huge! She's our next movie, man!

Movie Exec: Lovin' it. Tell me more.

Producer: Okay. Check this out: Jessica Alba... in a bikini... throughout the whole movie. It'll be an ocean movie set in the Carribean, because those islanders love to be half naked.

Movie Exec: Love it, love it, love it! But, wait, Jessica Alba can't really act.

Producer: Already thought of that. We just need to get a co-star that even's worse of an actor than Alba. What about Renee Zellwegger?

Movie Exec: Nah, she's too skinny. Anyways, I think we need a dude.

Producer: Okay, how about Catherine Zeta Jones?

Movie Exec: Nah, too old.

Producer: Yeah, we need a dude with abs --

Movie Exec: With soulful blue eyes --

Producer: Who can't really act --

Movie Exec: And comes cheap --

Both: Paul Walker!

Movie Exec: Beautiful! Now, tell me, what's this movie about?

Producer: Okay. We have these two really good looking people, but they spend a lot of time in the ocean, and as a result, are constantly in a swimsuit or less...

Movie Exec: Love it. And then what happens?

Producer: Oh, right. Well, you see this movie is, um, it's like an action... romance... suspense...buddy film... pirate... drug trafficking... kind of film. We're going to appeal to all sorts of audiences.

Movie Exec: Alright, but that still doesn't answer my question. What is this movie about?

Producer: Right, I was just getting to that. You see, Jessica and Paul live in the... Caribbean? It's like really hot there, so they're always half naked. They go on a quest to look for a sunken, possibly mythical, pirate ship at the bottom of the ocean, but instead they find a... plane wreck filled with dead bodies and... coccaine!... but then, um, the owner of the coke will .... somehow find out and will want it back... there will be guns, blood, and high speed boat chases! It'll be awesome. Meanwhile, Sam and Jared --Jessica & Paul --I named the characters after my kids -- they'll also find a long lost sunken pirate ship full of gold daggers and whatnot, but you know they still have to deal with the whole drug thing -- also Jared/Paul has to deal with an archrival, another more successful treasure hunter played by... Josh Brolin. Yeah, we'll get Josh Brolin! His calendar's probably free. So, where was I?

Movie Exec: Bikinis, water, pirate ship, drugs...

Producer: Right! And then there are... Sharks. Yeah, killer sharks. We'll get one of the supporting characters to get her butt bitten off by one of the sharks. It'll be groundbreaking! I don't think anyone's ever shown that on film!

Movie Exec: I think you got something here, but I think you may be missing a few things. What about a Mandy Moore look-a-like? You got one of those?

Producer: Well, I know this girl who looks like a strethced out version of Mandy Moore. She's pretty skanky looking, but...

Movie Exec: That'll work. What about a supermodel turned actor? They're easy to train, and they don't eat much.

Producer: Well, I think we're short on supermodels -- unless... what about Tyson Beckford? He's been looking to apply everything he learned from that Toxic music video.

Movie Exec: Great! Wait, do we have a bad guy with a British accent?

Producer: Done.

Movie Exec: Obnoxiously stupid best friend?

Producer: Working on it.

Movie Exec: Excellent! Sounds like we're good to go.

...........................................................................................

Walker and Alba put up a valiant effort to save this movie. They wiggle their butts, flaunt their flat tummies, and smile charismatically like it's nobody's business. Unfortunately, you can tan and do Pilates all you want, but a pretty face, pretty eyes, pretty hair, and hot body -- or Jessica Alba, for that matter, can't save a movie when it lacks a coherent plot.

The movie is only 110 minutes long, but it feelsl like an eternity. If the writers had only focused on sucking in one subgenre, we could file Into the Blue as another crappy shark attack movie. However, not only is Into the Blue a crappy shark movie, but it's also a crappy romance, a crappy buddy film, a crappy treasure movie, a crappy action flick -- you get the point.

My only suggestion for salvaging this film is to re-edit this movie into an IMAX film. Cut out the bad acting, the trite dialogue, any attempt at plot -- basically keeping footage only containing water and fish -- and you'll have a colorful short marine film that will simply bore audiences to death rather than have them wish someone would shoot them and quickly put them out of their misery.

Perhaps the only redeeming quality of this film, is the fact that we finally get to understand why Paul Walker is such a bad actor. He's illiterate. Don't believe me? Just watch the scene where he reads an excerpt from the pirate history book. It's excruciating. You can tell he's trying to get through the scene as quickly as possible. The boy cannot read.
He probably has someone reading his lines for him, hence, the constantly stilted delivery of lines and lack of emotion. He barely learned his lines. He doesn't have time to act.
So, the next time you're watching Paul on the big screen and think to yourself, he's stinks at acting! Just remeber: the poor thing doesn't know how to read.

My recommendation: If you're cousin offers to take you to see Into the Blue because you couldn't get into the free preview screening of Elizabethtown, kindly say no and ask her to buy you some ice cream instead. Then again, if you need fodder for your crappy movie blog in order to help you get through the work day, then by all means, see Into the Blue -- just don't pay for it.

Thanks, Cyndi! : )

Cellular

Kim Basinger is mysteriously taken hostage by a bunch of thugs. The thugs want to know where her husband is, because he's apparently wronged them. Kim screams in return, "You have the wrong family! You have the wrong family!" (How does she know? Maybe her husband has done something wrong.)

The lead thug (Jason Statham) gets mad and locks her in the attic. Then he goes out, but returns with a huge knife. We're suppose to think for a moment that he's going to chop off Kim's head (we wish), but instead, demolishes the phone, because apparently, it's simply too hard to just pull out the cord. The travesty! Kim has no way of calling for help. Fortunately, Kim is a high school bio teacher and knows how to rewire a demolished phone (guess I missed that bio lesson). The blonde genius miraculously manages to dial the NOKIA cell phone of a goofy college-aged dude played by Chris Evans. Kim, in a freakishly calm voice (that I probably would have hung up on), proceeds to fill the Dude in: I'm being held hostage. They're going to kill me. I don't know where I am. Help me. blah blah blah.


The Dude, although he has some pressing matters to take care of (he has to pick up a box of t-shirts), decides to help the crazy lady out. Now, in real life, the first logical step would be to look at the caller ID. Apparently, however, the Dude's fancy NOKIA phone doesn't have such a feature. The next logical step would be to take the NOKIA phone to a police station. Surprise! That's what actually happens. Unfortunately, the cops are too busy, so the Dude doesn't get any help. Sweet William H. Macy tries to help the Dude out, but he's also too busy to address the matter, and just takes a message. I don't remember why the cops were busy, but I'm sure it was important -- Not. (I hate movies that could easily be solved in two-minutes with a more logical solution).

--- Now, if I were to proceed with this review, I'd probably make fun of the scene where the Dude holds up a cellular store or hijacks a car, but I'll spare you. Plus, I'm too lazy.

Bottom line: The movie is crap -- and not the good kind. It's just one big commercial for NOKIA. If you ever hear the phrase, "This film is this year's Cellular" that's not a compliment. It means, "Ha. Ha. We suckered you into seeing Cellular, maybe we can sucker you into spending money on this new piece of crap."

Van Helsing

The mysterious monster slayer, Van Helsing is sent by the Vatican to slay Dracula on behalf of an old Transylvanian family so that they (the old Transylvanian family, not the Vatican) can get into heaven. Do accessories to murder get to go to heaven? Unfortunately, Dracula proves to be not-so-easy to kill. Moreover, it appears that Dracula and his posse of crazy vampire biatches, pasty manservant, Igor, and a werewolf prove to be up to no good. More specifically, they’re using Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein monster and some old fashioned lightning to make up for Dracula’s impotency and bring to life his horde of cocooned baby vampires. “What?” you ask. “Exactly,” I say.

If you are an international spy and someone threatens to make you watch Van Helsing until you reveal some top government secret, I suggest that you spill the beans. The safety of your country is not worth the excruciating ridiculousness that is Van Helsing. If you dare to watch the movie despite my warning, you will notice a hint of sadness in the eyes of the films lead actors, Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale. It is sadness that comes with the knowledge that you have just made one HUGE mistake.

First of all, you have to wonder why the director forced two actors to drop their completely adorable British/Australian accents for the likes of Count Chocula and a wimpy John Wayne. Perhaps a dialect coach wasn’t in the budget, but the least Beckinsale could have done was watch a few episodes of Sesame Street and take a few hints from Count von Count. The movie is so bad that I think they have to stop calling it a “movie” and re-market it as a how-to video, Van Helsing: A How-to-Guide on Over Acting and Bad Accents.

Van Helsing epitomizes what NOT to do in a movie. The wardrobe is something out of a high school drama department. The dialogue basically consists of clichés and overly dramatic cries of revenge or pain. The CG visual effects, although someone probably worked very hard on it, look like graphics out of a Saturday morning cartoon show. The fact that the costumers had to resort to massive Beckinsale cleavage exposure is telling of how disastrous the film actually is. Not since Much Ado About Nothing (co-starring Keeanu Reeves) have they had to resort to such level of cleavage. I’m not going to go into further detail, but commenting on Van Helsing is what I imagine it’s like for veterans to relive their time in ‘Nam. It’s best no to dwell on the experience. Just move on.

My recommendation: Do not waste your time. Do not let the mediocre acting talents of Hugh Jackman or Kate Beckinsale lure you into this disaster of a film.

My Baby's Daddy

Three best friends, Lonnie, G, and Dominic coincidentally impregnate their respective girlfriends, forcing them to quickly grow up and become baby daddies and perhaps even learn to be fathers .

Give me a moment while I wait for my brain to stop barfing.

This movie was terrible. I can't complain though. The movie's exactly what I expected a movie called My Baby's Daddy to be like. Ignoring the movie's ridiculous premise, this movie is still wrong, so wrong.

Firstly, I can't believe anyone in their right mind would acknowledge that any of the three losers was the father of their child. In one scene, the daddies leave their three toddlers unattended in an upstairs bedroom while a party full of alcohol and hoochie mamas rages on downstairs. One of the daddies unwittingly leaves the bedroom door open, allowing the three babies to crawl all the way downstairs to the front lawn, completely unnoticed. Of course, this incident compels the three players to take fatherhood more seriously, i.e., clean up the house.

The film is also rife with racial stereotypes: stingy, uptight Asian owners of a convenience store; loud obnoxious black women; earthy Indian woman; white guys who want to be black. There is even a long running (might I add, too long) play on the Chinese language with characters named Bling Bling, Da Ling, and XiXi (pronounced She She). I have no problems with jokes addressing stereotypes, but jokes are suppose to be funny. This movie was not funny. The film in general seemed like a random string of jokes that were probably a little funny at one point in time (maybe at 4:00 a.m. when the writers were high off of some illegal substance), but completely fall flat on screen.

The film's leads, Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson, and Michael Imperioli could produce great performances if given the right material, so I have to wonder what crap head convinced them that My Baby's Daddy was a good idea.

Admittedly, in this cavern of crap exists a few nuggets of funny. Despite the cliche, twin comics, Jason and Ryan Sklar are hilarious as the "Brothers Stylz", an aspiring (white) rap duo. If the movie had centered around the rappers and their encounter with the milk and cookie loving gangsta/music executive, Drive-By, the film would have been five times funnier (granted, that's not saying much). For instance, when introducing the rap group an MC quips, "It's time to put some crackers in this soup. Straight from the streets, I mean, cul de sac, the Brothers Stylz." Also, Method Man makes a very funny cameo as No Good, G's cousin. Meth is just really good at infusing a hard hood persona with a whole lot of charm and goofiness. I also can't forget little Bobbie J. Thompson (The Tracy Morgan Show) as Tupac, the precocious other son of Lonnie's baby's mama.

I could tell how awful the film would be within the first ten minutes of the film. It took everything I had to finish the film. The only reward for watching the entire film is the rap performance by Bobbie J. Thompson at the end of the film. Then again, you can just wait until someone throws the DVD of My Baby's Daddy outside their window, so that you can skip ahead and just see the track with Bobbie J.

My recommendation: Don't wast your time. You know the saying "curiousty killed the cat"? That cat probably killed himself after seeing My Baby's Daddy.

New York Minute

Twin sisters, Jane and Roxy Ryan spend one madcap day in New York City in the hopes of gaining Jane a scholarship to Oxford and landing Roxy a record deal. Roxy, played by Mary Kate Olsen is the rebel sister. She wears vintage t-shirts and lots of black eyeliner; is a master at skipping school; and is the drummer for an aspiring pop rock band. Ashley Olsen, the blonder sister, plays Jane, who, as signified by her geeky, yet uber stylish glasses, is a stark contrast to Roxy. Jane is an uptight, ultra-organized, germaphobic, straight A student, and apparently the captain of the cheerleading team? Needless to say, the twin sisters resent each other's existence (DESPITE their posh house, an easy going, unobservant dad, killer wardrobe, nice hair, and seemingly perfect life).

Unfortunately, a series of mishaps and a case of mistaken identity (after all, it wouldn't be a twin movie without some mistaken identity action) aboard the train to NYC leads Jane and Roxy to unwittingly take a ride from the henchmen of a ruthless music pirating ring/ nail salon which causes a bum to spill his slurpee onto Jane’s shirt, which forces the girls to sneak into the Plaza hotel, which leads to an ugly dog eating a valuable microchip, which then necessitates the ransom of Jane’s organizer, which leads the twins to a Simple Plan video shoot and gets them on stage to dance with the band and crowd surf, which then causes the girls to fall down a man hole that eventually takes them Harlem where they get “blinged” (i.e., terrible wigs and gaudy outfits), which then makes me realize how really unimportant plot is as long as it allows for continual costume changes and showcases MaryKateandAshley’s comedic prowess and, excuse me if I barf, sex appeal (They're barely legal, people!). By the end of the day, do Jane and Roxy learn that perhaps it’s not the scholarship or record deal that matters, but more importantly, their relationship and the time spent together OR do they learn that they can have their cake and eat it too?

New York Minute is targeted at two audiences: the young droids who eat up Mary Kate and Ashley’s straight-to-video films and the skeezy adults who insist on reiterating how hot little Michelle Tanner has become. With all the scenes featuring trendy little outfits and a surprising lack of clothing, both fan groups should be immensely pleased. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised – if you go in with really low expectations.

Firstly, Mary Kate and Ashley have come a long way from the mindless recitation of “You got it dude” from their Full House days. I’d even venture to say that they’re now actresses. Even without the different hair colors or difference in height and style, one could tell the lead characters apart by the performances and character development of the respective actress. Mary Kate is nothing to sneeze at, but Ashley stands out with a finer sense of comedic timing and expression. Despite the pseudo-punk attitude, Mary Kate still reads like a rich girl from Malibu. Ashley, on the other hand, seems to more fully immerse herself in the idiosyncrasies of her character. I think it’s time that Ashley starts getting top billing. From here on, refer to the twins as Ashley and Mary Kate.

New York Min. also features an assortment of notable cameos. Andy Richter is pretty hilarious as an American-born, need I add, white henchmen who speaks with a Chinese accent. Eugene Levy stars as Max Lomax, a fumbling truant officer intent on catching Roxy Ryan playing hooky ala Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Levy, puts his own goofy, near sighted twist on the evil authority figure character. Levy’s former SCTV cast mate, Andrea Martin also stars as an important Senator with a hot son. Darrell Hammond, playing the straight man to the Olsens’ gags and mishaps, exudes a creepiness that I now realize is in all of his characters and impersonations (e.g., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, Sean Connery). Other familiar, yet not very famous, faces include Jack Osbourne (The Osbournes), Jared Padalecki(Gilmore Girls), Drew Pinksy (Love Line), and Bob Saget (Full House).

If you look beyond the ridiculousness of the storyline, flat supporting characters, and racial stereotypes, the movie’s rather enjoyable, even funny at times. In fact, New York Minute is hands down better than the Lizzie McGuire movie.

My recommendation: If you’re into the teen girl genre, I’d say, what the heck, rent it. However, if you are one of those icky people who counted down the days til Ashley and Mary Kate turned 18, forget it. Don’t rent the movie, just get help.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

In the midst of a Cuban revolution, allegedly bookish All-American teen, Katey Miller (Romola Garai) moves to 1958 Havana with her incredibly good looking parents (Sela Ward and John Slattery) and snotty little sister, played by the snotty little sister from Surf Girls, Mika Boorem.
Katey magnanimously befriends a local busboy, Javier Suarez (Diego Luna) and gradually -- actually, rather quickly becomes a hoochie mama and falls in love with Havi-air and his dirty dancing. Secretly, the two prepare for a prestigious Latin ballroom dancing competition in the hopes of winning a free trip to America, where Javier will then send for his entire family. Right.
Will a pesky revolution get in the way of their romance? Will the Cubans succeed in getting Fidel Castro, the leader they've always wanted? You simply must watch the film to find out.

I didn't hate the movie. The soundtrack, a catchy blend of Latin and American Pop is fantastic. The dancing is entertaining, if not a bit over the top. In case you missed the title of the movie, the director and choreographer emphasize the "dirtiness" of Latin dance through repeated shots of scantily clad women, gryrating bodies, and lots of fake sweat. The entire movie centers around the contrast between the sexiness of Latin dance and the rigid formalities of classic ballroom dancing. Everything from costumes, to choreography, to the lead actors underline the fact that Cuban dancing = dirty and white dancing = clean? lame? not good?

The movie tries to gain some dramatic credibility with its historical backdrop, but the factual revolution cannot hide the fact that the movie is pure cheez: shoddy cinematagrophy, stilted dialogue, a sad excuse for a plot, and a focus on pretty clothes, pretty actors, and catchy music.
Despite the fluffy storyline, the cast does a pretty decent job. However, the only performance worth noting is that of Diego Luna, who plays Javier the busboy. Luna, although at first glance is far from being the sexy lead, proves to be quite charming. I don't know if it's the accent, his smile, or his innate sense of rhythm, but Luna is most convincing as the young man who tempts the conservative foreigner to do some dirty dancing -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge. (See how subtle I was just now? That's how subtle this film is).

Before you proceed to view this film, I must warn you: There is an absolutely horrifying cameo by Patrick Swayze. I don't know if he stuck his head in a vacuum or received some discounted plastic surgery, but Swayze is a good example of how plastic surgery can go wrong -- very wrong. Now I understand why Swayze agreed to appear in Havana Nights. He may not be getting any more film work for awhile (or perhaps he needed the money to repair his face).

My recommendation: Rent it if you enjoy cheezy dance films or want to see Patrick Swayze's film career crash and burn before your eyes.

13 Going on 30

After a terrible birthday party, 13-year-old, Jenna Rink revels in some pre-teen angst while unwittingly evoking the magic of wishing dust, a gift from her charming, but schlumpy best friend, Matty. Jenna wishes to be thirty, which according to her favorite magazine Poise, is the best time of a woman's life. Through the magic of the so called "wishing dust" Jenna wakes up the next morning as herself seventeen years in the future (or for you non-math superstars: 3o years old). Fortunately, Jenna's life is everything she hoped it would be. She's gorgeous aka Jennifer Garner, wealthy, well-dressed, and a successful editor at Poise. Consequently, Jenna begins to realize that her movie-perfect life came at a price and Jenna is not exactly the woman she had hoped to become. As she comedically struggles to figure out how to be a thirty-year old, Jenna seeks out the adult version of her best friend Matty, now played by the charming, and definitely not schulmpy, Mark Ruffalo. Then, before you can say romantic comedy, Jenna realizes that Matty really is the "nicest" guy she has ever met (translation: She's falling in love with him). The question remains, does Matty like like Jenna or... will he marry his equally cool fiancee? I guess there's also the question if Matty falls in love with Jenna, doesn't that mean he's hooking up with a 13-year-old?

13 Going on 30 is often compared to Big, a film that set the bar for kid-in-adult's-body films. Unfortunately, 13 Going on 30 is nowhere near the greatness of the Tom Hanks film. First of all, the wishing dust premise is rather weak as a far as magical transformation/time traveling scenarios go. Big does a wonderful job of building up the mystery and magic of the creepy carnival fortune teller machine. 13 merely relies on a packet of magic dust that looks a lot like a bag of Pop Rocks. With all the potential wishes that a thirteen year old could make, wishing to be thirty years old is probably one of the lamest wishes ever. No wonder Jenna has no friends. Furthermore, I don't know why more people aren't capitalizing on the wishing dust. What about world peace, a cure for AIDs, or the eradication of day-glo spandex? Then again, I suppose "wishing dust" is an appropriate name for a powdery substance that "magically" transports a person to an idealistic version of the future. In any case, the movie begs that the audience, like Jenna Rink, not dwell on the wishing dust too much and simply accept the fact that Jenna is a thirteen year-old in an adult woman's body.

With such a predictable plot, the movie can chalk up its box office success to its talented cast.
Jennifer Garner, for the most part, charmingly pulls off the, albeit exaggerated, naivete of a thirteen year old. On the other hand, her cuteness sometimes gets a little too cute and perky. Teenagers, particularly those that are shunned by the "popular kids", aren't that perky. The 1980s Jenna Rink certainly wasn't as sweet and cheery as the Jennifer Garner version of Jenna Rink. Despite the hyper cuteness of her squinty facial expressions, perfect hair, and stylishly colorful wardrobe , Garner, as a thirteen year old in a thirty year old's body manages to mainatin a tolerable level of charm and innocence that would probably annoy me had Jenna strictly been a thirteen year old.

Mark Ruffalo, playing the swan version of Jenna's ugly duckiling best friend, Matty is simply dreamy. Ruffalo is attractive, yet posseses a everyman quality. He's perfect as the boy-next-door all grown up. Judy Greer, who I remember as the goofy, yet high-strung assistant from The Wedding Planner, does an interesting turn as Jenna's ambitious best friend/ co-worker, Lucy. There's not much to Lucy's character, but Greer does an effective job of creating a character who is not meant to be all that likeable, but on the other hand, worthy of audience sympathy. Did I mention that Gollum is Jenn'as boss (aka Richard Kneeland)?

Overall, 13 Going on 30 is best described as cute -- cute wardrobe, cute actors, cute romance, cute situational irony -- you get the point.

My Recommendation: I wouldn't head to the video store just to rent 13 Going on 30 but I'd say it's worth renting if you're in the mood for some cute crap, especially if you have a coupon.

Euro Trip: Unrated

Recent high school grad, Scotty Thomas spontaneously heads to Europe with his best friend, Cooper to find Scotty's gorgeous German pen pal, Mieke. After meeting up with twin pals, Jenny and Jamie in Paris, the four take the the most roundabout, horomone-driven route to Berlin, including stops at a nude beach, an Amsterdam sex club, and East Germany.

For a movie who's biggest selling point is that it's made by the same horny men of Road Trip, I wasn't expecting much. With all the frontal female and male nudity, one would think that the filmmakers were trying to distract from a really crappy movie. To my great surprise, if you get beyond all the gratuitous nudity of the "Unrated" DVD, you'll find a hilarious teen comedy definitely worth viewing.

The movie features a charming group of unknown young actors who portray more than just your typical group of sex crazy teens. They're sex crazy teens with heart? Resembling a cuter, younger version of the guy who played Ed (the NBC show, not the talking horse) Scott Mechlowicz is very appealing as the romantic, yet horny Scotty Thomas who earnestly treks across Europe in search of his greatest hookup, and perhaps even, the love of his life. Cooper Harris, Scotty's wisecracking, horndog best friend, played by Jacob Pitts, is standard teen movie fare, but funny nonetheless. Travis Wester as Jamie, the horny, uptight, know-it-all could have gotten annoying pretty quickly, until I realized how useful know-it-alls are. I even got over the slow-mo bikin shots of the seemingly pre-pubescent, and of course, horny Jenny, played by Michelle Trachtenberg of Harriet the Spy fame, after realizing that she can pull off smart and sassy.

Perhaps even more memorable are the crazy cameos: Kristin Kreuk as Shallow Ex-Girlfriend, Matt Damon as Punk Singer, Lucy Lawless as the Dominatrix, and my personal favorite, SNL's Fred Armissen as Sketchy Italian Guy. Even David Hasselhoff gets a little screen time -- in German!

Euro Trip is rife with European stereotypes (crazy Brit football fanatics, anti-American Frenchman, lecherous Italians), but manages to be both irreverent and affectionate towards Europe. Just when the political incorrectness becomes border line offensive, the movie momentarily overturns a European stereotype. But, then, Fred Armissen comes back on screen as the lecherous Italian man or Scotty becomes the new Pope, and you laugh your butt off while shaking your head in shame.

What I appreciated most was the film's random humor and subtlety. For starters, the artistry of the graphics was quite a pleasant surprise. Pay attention to the opening credits, a clever parody of an airline safety manual. The transitional graphics between scenes and European destinations is reminiscent of the stuff done on Home Improvement and is also worth a good look. Another random highlight, where the screenwriters and mind-altering substances come to mind, is a face-off between Scotty and a Parisian street performer. Boasting a surprising repetoire of robot moves, Scotty skillyfully brings it and shows up the silver-faced "robot." And finally, I can't forget the riotous homage to Hitler. I'm not going to say more. You just have to watch the movie.

I expected to hate this movie, but I really did enjoy it. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's still crap, but it's also hilarious crap.

My Recommendation: Despite the over the top "Unrated" gimmicks, rent it. If you're only interested in the T & A & Penis, you should probably buy the video. No one wants to borrow that video after you're done with it.

From Justin to Kelly

Justin and Kelly head to Miami with their respective posses to have the craziest Spring Break of their lives. And, boy, do things get wild and crazy in Miami. Beach goers burst into choreographed song and dance numbers. Justin’s homie ventures to meet up with a girl he just met on the Internet. One of Kelly’s friends even dates a – gasp – busboy! At the heart of all this spring break debauchery, is a love-at-first-sight romance between a player from Phili, “Justin” and a sweet waitress from Texas, “Kelly.” Despite their strong attraction? to each other, bad pop songs, a jealous friend, a wet t-shirt contest, and perhaps more accurately, a lack of chemistry are determined to keep the star crossed lovers apart.

From Justin to Kelly is exactly what I expected an American Idol movie to be like. In the same vein as those annoying Ford Focus musical skits on the television series, From Justin to Kelly is camptastic. There really is no reason to watch the film except to make fun of it. I honestly wanted to like the movie. Justin and Kelly seem like nice people with pleasant voices. I really did not want the movie to suck as much as it did. Just about everything in the movie is cringeworthy – the costumes, the garishly fake backdrops, the extremely peppy extras who were obviously paid in drugs or alcohol, the plot, the dialogue, the acting, not to mention the music. I admittedly enjoy pop music and can overlook laughable lyrics, a lack of talent, and the over use of synthesizers all for the sake of a good beat, but the music in From Justin to Kelly was unbearable. Couple the pop poop with regurgitated choreography from the Backstreet Boys and you get a film barely worthy of being called a “musical.” The only remarkable song is a duet between Guarini and Clarkson on their sailing date where they profess their feelings for each other. This song would be ten times better if all I had to do was listen to it, but watching Clarkson and Guarini feign chemistry in front of a criminally bad representation of a romantic sunset squelches all enjoyment of the musical number. I would include the name of the song, but it’s not worth going back to the DVD.

Surprisingly, Justin Guarini is quite good at playing “Justin.” He seems to make the most of the films abhorrent dialogue and delivers his lines with as much sincerity as his hair will let him. Kelly Clarkson’s acting, on the other hand, is a little more excruciating to watch, but at least she’s good at singing. I’m sure the rest of the supporting cast is just as nice and talented as Justin and Kelly, but their names aren’t in the title so I don’t remember anything about them.

From Justin to Kelly is a bad movie, but it’s so bad that it becomes good. It’s like yo’ mama, so easy to trash on.

If you find it under your friend’s mattress or some other secret hiding spot, feel free to take a look. Or, better yet, wait until it’s $1.99 at Walmart, watch it, then stick it in the microwave.

My recommendation: Unless you have some alternative use for the DVD, wait until it’s free.

Hellboy - Movie Review

According to Hellboy, those Nazis weren't all about mass ethnic genocide. Nope, what they were really interested in was opening the portal to Hell so that Earth too could become a fiery, desolate pit of despair, or as they called it "Eden." Led by the kooky Russian prince of mischief and mayhem, Rasputin, the German evil doers, through the power of 40 watt light bulbs and the unintelligble ramblings of a bald man, bring into the world an infant demon from hell, who, with the exception of the fat bunnies in Land of the Lepus, is possibly the scariest creature I have ever seen in my life. Fortunately for the sake of humankind, a ragtag group of American soldiers, led by a purhearted "professor of paranormal research", Dr. Broom manage to foil their Nazi shenanigans. Fast forward sixty years later, Dr. Broom and a group of secret government agents have raised the title character into a demon-fighting machine who loves kittens, pyros, and long walks through the subway. However, Hellboy soon finds himself in quite a pickle, when the evil Germans and Russian dude find the troubled anti-hero and force him to choose between -- dun dun DUN! -- good and evil. Will Hellboy choose the dark side and destroy humankind? Will Hellboy get the girl? Will Hellboy ever change his name to Hellman?

I really wanted to like this movie. Ron Perlman is quite lovable as Hellboy. You can't help but sympathize with this misunderstood hero and his sardonic delivery of dialogue. Paralleling the plight of Hellboy, it sometimes feels like its up to Ron Perlman to carry the whole movie. Surrounded by a supporting cast of one dimensional characters, Perlman is fantastic at inspiring a confidence in Hellboy's superhero abilities, while maintaining a sense of vulnerability that actually has you pulling for the unlikely romance (don't want to see what kind of kid they'd produce) between the horned, red beast and the woe-begotten, fragile, "pyrokenetic" chick, Liz Sherman (Selma Blair).

The other characters are quite forgettable. Selma Blair is good at playing mopey and depressed, but that note gets old pretty quick. Rupert Evans is cute, but not all that likeable as the supposedly "purhearted" government agent, John Myers meant to help Hellboy keep on the good side. For example, merely moments after telling Liz that Hellboy loves her, he uses the old yawn trick to make a move on Hellboy's love interest. That was so not pure-hearted. In fact, as Hellboy's supposed mentor, and pseudo side kick, Myers is not all that helpful. The only thing he seems to be good at is handling props, like handing Hellboy his dinner, handing Hellboy a rosary necklace, or handing Hellboy a belt of explosives. I didn't even like Jeffrey Tambor's character, a condescending FBI big shot who refuses to give Hellboy props for routinely saving the world. There's a shoddy attempt at the end of the movie to redeem Tambor's character, suggesting that he's a good guy after all, but it's just to late. Ten minutes of good guyness cannot make up for 112 minutes of a-hole. The only other character I did like was Abe Sapien, played by Doug Jones. Abe is a telepathic mer-man who can read a person's past, present, and future, but can't read a book on his own. Annoyingly, Abe seems to posses the power to know the answer to everying, but virtually disappears from the movie after he gets mauled by a few fertile demon alien things. With his Fraiser Crane style of acting, Jones does a decent job of portraying a likeable and comical supporting character who with the exception of the cute code names "Blue" and "Red" is rather unecessary. I also enjoyed the performance of a Russian corspse.

The plot's not all that remarkable, but I think Ron Perlman's portrayl of Hellboy makes the movie worth seeing on a rainy deal. It's probably most enjoyable when seen with a bunch of friends, so that you can make fun of its absurdities and inconsitencies.

My recommendation: Rent it. Don't buy it.

Renting Crappy Movies

Thanks to the Blockbuster Movie pass, I no longer feel guilty about renting crappy movies that probably aren't worth the new release rental fee. Instead, I can watch newly released crap to my heart's content.

I hope that you find my reviews helpful and appreciate the fact that I have to endure the shame of hearing the video clerk incredulously confirm, "Alright, tonight you are renting Hellboy and (pause) From Justin to Kelly?"


-Anna