06 October 2005

Into the Blue [Out of Theaters, Thank, God.]

Ab-flex poster couple, Sam (Jessica Alba) and Jared (Paul Walker) are blissfully living somewhere in the AmeriCaribbean with nothing but a golden tan and killer abs to their name. Sam is completely content with their humble lifestyle: cozy little trailer, rusted boat with a huge whole in the middle, and their alleged three-legged dog, while Jared longs for a better life for him and Sam. Jared's solution? Search for sunken treasure along the ocean floor using naught but a snorkel and metal detector. Unfortunately, as all crappy underwater movie adventures go, the ocean produces some unexpected surprises. And, when I say "unexpected surprises", I really mean, "some random predicaments strewn together in an effort to produce some semblance of suspense and action."

There's nothing Into the Blue can offer that a glossy poster of Jessica Alba or Paul Walker can't do. It's as crappy as you think it'll be.

Here's how I imagine the pitch meeting for Into the Blue went:
Los Angeles

Producer: Boy, do I got a hit for you! You know Jessica Alba, the chick from Dark Angel? She's going to be huge! She's our next movie, man!

Movie Exec: Lovin' it. Tell me more.

Producer: Okay. Check this out: Jessica Alba... in a bikini... throughout the whole movie. It'll be an ocean movie set in the Carribean, because those islanders love to be half naked.

Movie Exec: Love it, love it, love it! But, wait, Jessica Alba can't really act.

Producer: Already thought of that. We just need to get a co-star that even's worse of an actor than Alba. What about Renee Zellwegger?

Movie Exec: Nah, she's too skinny. Anyways, I think we need a dude.

Producer: Okay, how about Catherine Zeta Jones?

Movie Exec: Nah, too old.

Producer: Yeah, we need a dude with abs --

Movie Exec: With soulful blue eyes --

Producer: Who can't really act --

Movie Exec: And comes cheap --

Both: Paul Walker!

Movie Exec: Beautiful! Now, tell me, what's this movie about?

Producer: Okay. We have these two really good looking people, but they spend a lot of time in the ocean, and as a result, are constantly in a swimsuit or less...

Movie Exec: Love it. And then what happens?

Producer: Oh, right. Well, you see this movie is, um, it's like an action... romance... suspense...buddy film... pirate... drug trafficking... kind of film. We're going to appeal to all sorts of audiences.

Movie Exec: Alright, but that still doesn't answer my question. What is this movie about?

Producer: Right, I was just getting to that. You see, Jessica and Paul live in the... Caribbean? It's like really hot there, so they're always half naked. They go on a quest to look for a sunken, possibly mythical, pirate ship at the bottom of the ocean, but instead they find a... plane wreck filled with dead bodies and... coccaine!... but then, um, the owner of the coke will .... somehow find out and will want it back... there will be guns, blood, and high speed boat chases! It'll be awesome. Meanwhile, Sam and Jared --Jessica & Paul --I named the characters after my kids -- they'll also find a long lost sunken pirate ship full of gold daggers and whatnot, but you know they still have to deal with the whole drug thing -- also Jared/Paul has to deal with an archrival, another more successful treasure hunter played by... Josh Brolin. Yeah, we'll get Josh Brolin! His calendar's probably free. So, where was I?

Movie Exec: Bikinis, water, pirate ship, drugs...

Producer: Right! And then there are... Sharks. Yeah, killer sharks. We'll get one of the supporting characters to get her butt bitten off by one of the sharks. It'll be groundbreaking! I don't think anyone's ever shown that on film!

Movie Exec: I think you got something here, but I think you may be missing a few things. What about a Mandy Moore look-a-like? You got one of those?

Producer: Well, I know this girl who looks like a strethced out version of Mandy Moore. She's pretty skanky looking, but...

Movie Exec: That'll work. What about a supermodel turned actor? They're easy to train, and they don't eat much.

Producer: Well, I think we're short on supermodels -- unless... what about Tyson Beckford? He's been looking to apply everything he learned from that Toxic music video.

Movie Exec: Great! Wait, do we have a bad guy with a British accent?

Producer: Done.

Movie Exec: Obnoxiously stupid best friend?

Producer: Working on it.

Movie Exec: Excellent! Sounds like we're good to go.


Walker and Alba put up a valiant effort to save this movie. They wiggle their butts, flaunt their flat tummies, and smile charismatically like it's nobody's business. Unfortunately, you can tan and do Pilates all you want, but a pretty face, pretty eyes, pretty hair, and hot body -- or Jessica Alba, for that matter, can't save a movie when it lacks a coherent plot.

The movie is only 110 minutes long, but it feelsl like an eternity. If the writers had only focused on sucking in one subgenre, we could file Into the Blue as another crappy shark attack movie. However, not only is Into the Blue a crappy shark movie, but it's also a crappy romance, a crappy buddy film, a crappy treasure movie, a crappy action flick -- you get the point.

My only suggestion for salvaging this film is to re-edit this movie into an IMAX film. Cut out the bad acting, the trite dialogue, any attempt at plot -- basically keeping footage only containing water and fish -- and you'll have a colorful short marine film that will simply bore audiences to death rather than have them wish someone would shoot them and quickly put them out of their misery.

Perhaps the only redeeming quality of this film, is the fact that we finally get to understand why Paul Walker is such a bad actor. He's illiterate. Don't believe me? Just watch the scene where he reads an excerpt from the pirate history book. It's excruciating. You can tell he's trying to get through the scene as quickly as possible. The boy cannot read.
He probably has someone reading his lines for him, hence, the constantly stilted delivery of lines and lack of emotion. He barely learned his lines. He doesn't have time to act.
So, the next time you're watching Paul on the big screen and think to yourself, he's stinks at acting! Just remeber: the poor thing doesn't know how to read.

My recommendation: If you're cousin offers to take you to see Into the Blue because you couldn't get into the free preview screening of Elizabethtown, kindly say no and ask her to buy you some ice cream instead. Then again, if you need fodder for your crappy movie blog in order to help you get through the work day, then by all means, see Into the Blue -- just don't pay for it.

Thanks, Cyndi! : )