The mysterious monster slayer, Van Helsing is sent by the Vatican to slay Dracula on behalf of an old Transylvanian family so that they (the old Transylvanian family, not the Vatican) can get into heaven. Do accessories to murder get to go to heaven? Unfortunately, Dracula proves to be not-so-easy to kill. Moreover, it appears that Dracula and his posse of crazy vampire biatches, pasty manservant, Igor, and a werewolf prove to be up to no good. More specifically, they’re using Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein monster and some old fashioned lightning to make up for Dracula’s impotency and bring to life his horde of cocooned baby vampires. “What?” you ask. “Exactly,” I say.
If you are an international spy and someone threatens to make you watch Van Helsing until you reveal some top government secret, I suggest that you spill the beans. The safety of your country is not worth the excruciating ridiculousness that is Van Helsing. If you dare to watch the movie despite my warning, you will notice a hint of sadness in the eyes of the films lead actors, Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale. It is sadness that comes with the knowledge that you have just made one HUGE mistake.
First of all, you have to wonder why the director forced two actors to drop their completely adorable British/Australian accents for the likes of Count Chocula and a wimpy John Wayne. Perhaps a dialect coach wasn’t in the budget, but the least Beckinsale could have done was watch a few episodes of Sesame Street and take a few hints from Count von Count. The movie is so bad that I think they have to stop calling it a “movie” and re-market it as a how-to video, Van Helsing: A How-to-Guide on Over Acting and Bad Accents.
Van Helsing epitomizes what NOT to do in a movie. The wardrobe is something out of a high school drama department. The dialogue basically consists of clichés and overly dramatic cries of revenge or pain. The CG visual effects, although someone probably worked very hard on it, look like graphics out of a Saturday morning cartoon show. The fact that the costumers had to resort to massive Beckinsale cleavage exposure is telling of how disastrous the film actually is. Not since Much Ado About Nothing (co-starring Keeanu Reeves) have they had to resort to such level of cleavage. I’m not going to go into further detail, but commenting on Van Helsing is what I imagine it’s like for veterans to relive their time in ‘Nam. It’s best no to dwell on the experience. Just move on.
My recommendation: Do not waste your time. Do not let the mediocre acting talents of Hugh Jackman or Kate Beckinsale lure you into this disaster of a film.
30 October 2004
12 September 2004
My Baby's Daddy
Three best friends, Lonnie, G, and Dominic coincidentally impregnate their respective girlfriends, forcing them to quickly grow up and become baby daddies and perhaps even learn to be fathers .
Give me a moment while I wait for my brain to stop barfing.
This movie was terrible. I can't complain though. The movie's exactly what I expected a movie called My Baby's Daddy to be like. Ignoring the movie's ridiculous premise, this movie is still wrong, so wrong.
Firstly, I can't believe anyone in their right mind would acknowledge that any of the three losers was the father of their child. In one scene, the daddies leave their three toddlers unattended in an upstairs bedroom while a party full of alcohol and hoochie mamas rages on downstairs. One of the daddies unwittingly leaves the bedroom door open, allowing the three babies to crawl all the way downstairs to the front lawn, completely unnoticed. Of course, this incident compels the three players to take fatherhood more seriously, i.e., clean up the house.
The film is also rife with racial stereotypes: stingy, uptight Asian owners of a convenience store; loud obnoxious black women; earthy Indian woman; white guys who want to be black. There is even a long running (might I add, too long) play on the Chinese language with characters named Bling Bling, Da Ling, and XiXi (pronounced She She). I have no problems with jokes addressing stereotypes, but jokes are suppose to be funny. This movie was not funny. The film in general seemed like a random string of jokes that were probably a little funny at one point in time (maybe at 4:00 a.m. when the writers were high off of some illegal substance), but completely fall flat on screen.
The film's leads, Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson, and Michael Imperioli could produce great performances if given the right material, so I have to wonder what crap head convinced them that My Baby's Daddy was a good idea.
Admittedly, in this cavern of crap exists a few nuggets of funny. Despite the cliche, twin comics, Jason and Ryan Sklar are hilarious as the "Brothers Stylz", an aspiring (white) rap duo. If the movie had centered around the rappers and their encounter with the milk and cookie loving gangsta/music executive, Drive-By, the film would have been five times funnier (granted, that's not saying much). For instance, when introducing the rap group an MC quips, "It's time to put some crackers in this soup. Straight from the streets, I mean, cul de sac, the Brothers Stylz." Also, Method Man makes a very funny cameo as No Good, G's cousin. Meth is just really good at infusing a hard hood persona with a whole lot of charm and goofiness. I also can't forget little Bobbie J. Thompson (The Tracy Morgan Show) as Tupac, the precocious other son of Lonnie's baby's mama.
I could tell how awful the film would be within the first ten minutes of the film. It took everything I had to finish the film. The only reward for watching the entire film is the rap performance by Bobbie J. Thompson at the end of the film. Then again, you can just wait until someone throws the DVD of My Baby's Daddy outside their window, so that you can skip ahead and just see the track with Bobbie J.
My recommendation: Don't wast your time. You know the saying "curiousty killed the cat"? That cat probably killed himself after seeing My Baby's Daddy.
Give me a moment while I wait for my brain to stop barfing.
This movie was terrible. I can't complain though. The movie's exactly what I expected a movie called My Baby's Daddy to be like. Ignoring the movie's ridiculous premise, this movie is still wrong, so wrong.
Firstly, I can't believe anyone in their right mind would acknowledge that any of the three losers was the father of their child. In one scene, the daddies leave their three toddlers unattended in an upstairs bedroom while a party full of alcohol and hoochie mamas rages on downstairs. One of the daddies unwittingly leaves the bedroom door open, allowing the three babies to crawl all the way downstairs to the front lawn, completely unnoticed. Of course, this incident compels the three players to take fatherhood more seriously, i.e., clean up the house.
The film is also rife with racial stereotypes: stingy, uptight Asian owners of a convenience store; loud obnoxious black women; earthy Indian woman; white guys who want to be black. There is even a long running (might I add, too long) play on the Chinese language with characters named Bling Bling, Da Ling, and XiXi (pronounced She She). I have no problems with jokes addressing stereotypes, but jokes are suppose to be funny. This movie was not funny. The film in general seemed like a random string of jokes that were probably a little funny at one point in time (maybe at 4:00 a.m. when the writers were high off of some illegal substance), but completely fall flat on screen.
The film's leads, Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson, and Michael Imperioli could produce great performances if given the right material, so I have to wonder what crap head convinced them that My Baby's Daddy was a good idea.
Admittedly, in this cavern of crap exists a few nuggets of funny. Despite the cliche, twin comics, Jason and Ryan Sklar are hilarious as the "Brothers Stylz", an aspiring (white) rap duo. If the movie had centered around the rappers and their encounter with the milk and cookie loving gangsta/music executive, Drive-By, the film would have been five times funnier (granted, that's not saying much). For instance, when introducing the rap group an MC quips, "It's time to put some crackers in this soup. Straight from the streets, I mean, cul de sac, the Brothers Stylz." Also, Method Man makes a very funny cameo as No Good, G's cousin. Meth is just really good at infusing a hard hood persona with a whole lot of charm and goofiness. I also can't forget little Bobbie J. Thompson (The Tracy Morgan Show) as Tupac, the precocious other son of Lonnie's baby's mama.
I could tell how awful the film would be within the first ten minutes of the film. It took everything I had to finish the film. The only reward for watching the entire film is the rap performance by Bobbie J. Thompson at the end of the film. Then again, you can just wait until someone throws the DVD of My Baby's Daddy outside their window, so that you can skip ahead and just see the track with Bobbie J.
My recommendation: Don't wast your time. You know the saying "curiousty killed the cat"? That cat probably killed himself after seeing My Baby's Daddy.
07 September 2004
New York Minute
Twin sisters, Jane and Roxy Ryan spend one madcap day in New York City in the hopes of gaining Jane a scholarship to Oxford and landing Roxy a record deal. Roxy, played by Mary Kate Olsen is the rebel sister. She wears vintage t-shirts and lots of black eyeliner; is a master at skipping school; and is the drummer for an aspiring pop rock band. Ashley Olsen, the blonder sister, plays Jane, who, as signified by her geeky, yet uber stylish glasses, is a stark contrast to Roxy. Jane is an uptight, ultra-organized, germaphobic, straight A student, and apparently the captain of the cheerleading team? Needless to say, the twin sisters resent each other's existence (DESPITE their posh house, an easy going, unobservant dad, killer wardrobe, nice hair, and seemingly perfect life).
Unfortunately, a series of mishaps and a case of mistaken identity (after all, it wouldn't be a twin movie without some mistaken identity action) aboard the train to NYC leads Jane and Roxy to unwittingly take a ride from the henchmen of a ruthless music pirating ring/ nail salon which causes a bum to spill his slurpee onto Jane’s shirt, which forces the girls to sneak into the Plaza hotel, which leads to an ugly dog eating a valuable microchip, which then necessitates the ransom of Jane’s organizer, which leads the twins to a Simple Plan video shoot and gets them on stage to dance with the band and crowd surf, which then causes the girls to fall down a man hole that eventually takes them Harlem where they get “blinged” (i.e., terrible wigs and gaudy outfits), which then makes me realize how really unimportant plot is as long as it allows for continual costume changes and showcases MaryKateandAshley’s comedic prowess and, excuse me if I barf, sex appeal (They're barely legal, people!). By the end of the day, do Jane and Roxy learn that perhaps it’s not the scholarship or record deal that matters, but more importantly, their relationship and the time spent together OR do they learn that they can have their cake and eat it too?
New York Minute is targeted at two audiences: the young droids who eat up Mary Kate and Ashley’s straight-to-video films and the skeezy adults who insist on reiterating how hot little Michelle Tanner has become. With all the scenes featuring trendy little outfits and a surprising lack of clothing, both fan groups should be immensely pleased. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised – if you go in with really low expectations.
Firstly, Mary Kate and Ashley have come a long way from the mindless recitation of “You got it dude” from their Full House days. I’d even venture to say that they’re now actresses. Even without the different hair colors or difference in height and style, one could tell the lead characters apart by the performances and character development of the respective actress. Mary Kate is nothing to sneeze at, but Ashley stands out with a finer sense of comedic timing and expression. Despite the pseudo-punk attitude, Mary Kate still reads like a rich girl from Malibu. Ashley, on the other hand, seems to more fully immerse herself in the idiosyncrasies of her character. I think it’s time that Ashley starts getting top billing. From here on, refer to the twins as Ashley and Mary Kate.
New York Min. also features an assortment of notable cameos. Andy Richter is pretty hilarious as an American-born, need I add, white henchmen who speaks with a Chinese accent. Eugene Levy stars as Max Lomax, a fumbling truant officer intent on catching Roxy Ryan playing hooky ala Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Levy, puts his own goofy, near sighted twist on the evil authority figure character. Levy’s former SCTV cast mate, Andrea Martin also stars as an important Senator with a hot son. Darrell Hammond, playing the straight man to the Olsens’ gags and mishaps, exudes a creepiness that I now realize is in all of his characters and impersonations (e.g., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, Sean Connery). Other familiar, yet not very famous, faces include Jack Osbourne (The Osbournes), Jared Padalecki(Gilmore Girls), Drew Pinksy (Love Line), and Bob Saget (Full House).
If you look beyond the ridiculousness of the storyline, flat supporting characters, and racial stereotypes, the movie’s rather enjoyable, even funny at times. In fact, New York Minute is hands down better than the Lizzie McGuire movie.
My recommendation: If you’re into the teen girl genre, I’d say, what the heck, rent it. However, if you are one of those icky people who counted down the days til Ashley and Mary Kate turned 18, forget it. Don’t rent the movie, just get help.
Unfortunately, a series of mishaps and a case of mistaken identity (after all, it wouldn't be a twin movie without some mistaken identity action) aboard the train to NYC leads Jane and Roxy to unwittingly take a ride from the henchmen of a ruthless music pirating ring/ nail salon which causes a bum to spill his slurpee onto Jane’s shirt, which forces the girls to sneak into the Plaza hotel, which leads to an ugly dog eating a valuable microchip, which then necessitates the ransom of Jane’s organizer, which leads the twins to a Simple Plan video shoot and gets them on stage to dance with the band and crowd surf, which then causes the girls to fall down a man hole that eventually takes them Harlem where they get “blinged” (i.e., terrible wigs and gaudy outfits), which then makes me realize how really unimportant plot is as long as it allows for continual costume changes and showcases MaryKateandAshley’s comedic prowess and, excuse me if I barf, sex appeal (They're barely legal, people!). By the end of the day, do Jane and Roxy learn that perhaps it’s not the scholarship or record deal that matters, but more importantly, their relationship and the time spent together OR do they learn that they can have their cake and eat it too?
New York Minute is targeted at two audiences: the young droids who eat up Mary Kate and Ashley’s straight-to-video films and the skeezy adults who insist on reiterating how hot little Michelle Tanner has become. With all the scenes featuring trendy little outfits and a surprising lack of clothing, both fan groups should be immensely pleased. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised – if you go in with really low expectations.
Firstly, Mary Kate and Ashley have come a long way from the mindless recitation of “You got it dude” from their Full House days. I’d even venture to say that they’re now actresses. Even without the different hair colors or difference in height and style, one could tell the lead characters apart by the performances and character development of the respective actress. Mary Kate is nothing to sneeze at, but Ashley stands out with a finer sense of comedic timing and expression. Despite the pseudo-punk attitude, Mary Kate still reads like a rich girl from Malibu. Ashley, on the other hand, seems to more fully immerse herself in the idiosyncrasies of her character. I think it’s time that Ashley starts getting top billing. From here on, refer to the twins as Ashley and Mary Kate.
New York Min. also features an assortment of notable cameos. Andy Richter is pretty hilarious as an American-born, need I add, white henchmen who speaks with a Chinese accent. Eugene Levy stars as Max Lomax, a fumbling truant officer intent on catching Roxy Ryan playing hooky ala Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Levy, puts his own goofy, near sighted twist on the evil authority figure character. Levy’s former SCTV cast mate, Andrea Martin also stars as an important Senator with a hot son. Darrell Hammond, playing the straight man to the Olsens’ gags and mishaps, exudes a creepiness that I now realize is in all of his characters and impersonations (e.g., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, Sean Connery). Other familiar, yet not very famous, faces include Jack Osbourne (The Osbournes), Jared Padalecki(Gilmore Girls), Drew Pinksy (Love Line), and Bob Saget (Full House).
If you look beyond the ridiculousness of the storyline, flat supporting characters, and racial stereotypes, the movie’s rather enjoyable, even funny at times. In fact, New York Minute is hands down better than the Lizzie McGuire movie.
My recommendation: If you’re into the teen girl genre, I’d say, what the heck, rent it. However, if you are one of those icky people who counted down the days til Ashley and Mary Kate turned 18, forget it. Don’t rent the movie, just get help.
01 September 2004
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
In the midst of a Cuban revolution, allegedly bookish All-American teen, Katey Miller (Romola Garai) moves to 1958 Havana with her incredibly good looking parents (Sela Ward and John Slattery) and snotty little sister, played by the snotty little sister from Surf Girls, Mika Boorem.
Katey magnanimously befriends a local busboy, Javier Suarez (Diego Luna) and gradually -- actually, rather quickly becomes a hoochie mama and falls in love with Havi-air and his dirty dancing. Secretly, the two prepare for a prestigious Latin ballroom dancing competition in the hopes of winning a free trip to America, where Javier will then send for his entire family. Right.
Will a pesky revolution get in the way of their romance? Will the Cubans succeed in getting Fidel Castro, the leader they've always wanted? You simply must watch the film to find out.
I didn't hate the movie. The soundtrack, a catchy blend of Latin and American Pop is fantastic. The dancing is entertaining, if not a bit over the top. In case you missed the title of the movie, the director and choreographer emphasize the "dirtiness" of Latin dance through repeated shots of scantily clad women, gryrating bodies, and lots of fake sweat. The entire movie centers around the contrast between the sexiness of Latin dance and the rigid formalities of classic ballroom dancing. Everything from costumes, to choreography, to the lead actors underline the fact that Cuban dancing = dirty and white dancing = clean? lame? not good?
The movie tries to gain some dramatic credibility with its historical backdrop, but the factual revolution cannot hide the fact that the movie is pure cheez: shoddy cinematagrophy, stilted dialogue, a sad excuse for a plot, and a focus on pretty clothes, pretty actors, and catchy music.
Despite the fluffy storyline, the cast does a pretty decent job. However, the only performance worth noting is that of Diego Luna, who plays Javier the busboy. Luna, although at first glance is far from being the sexy lead, proves to be quite charming. I don't know if it's the accent, his smile, or his innate sense of rhythm, but Luna is most convincing as the young man who tempts the conservative foreigner to do some dirty dancing -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge. (See how subtle I was just now? That's how subtle this film is).
Before you proceed to view this film, I must warn you: There is an absolutely horrifying cameo by Patrick Swayze. I don't know if he stuck his head in a vacuum or received some discounted plastic surgery, but Swayze is a good example of how plastic surgery can go wrong -- very wrong. Now I understand why Swayze agreed to appear in Havana Nights. He may not be getting any more film work for awhile (or perhaps he needed the money to repair his face).
My recommendation: Rent it if you enjoy cheezy dance films or want to see Patrick Swayze's film career crash and burn before your eyes.
Katey magnanimously befriends a local busboy, Javier Suarez (Diego Luna) and gradually -- actually, rather quickly becomes a hoochie mama and falls in love with Havi-air and his dirty dancing. Secretly, the two prepare for a prestigious Latin ballroom dancing competition in the hopes of winning a free trip to America, where Javier will then send for his entire family. Right.
Will a pesky revolution get in the way of their romance? Will the Cubans succeed in getting Fidel Castro, the leader they've always wanted? You simply must watch the film to find out.
I didn't hate the movie. The soundtrack, a catchy blend of Latin and American Pop is fantastic. The dancing is entertaining, if not a bit over the top. In case you missed the title of the movie, the director and choreographer emphasize the "dirtiness" of Latin dance through repeated shots of scantily clad women, gryrating bodies, and lots of fake sweat. The entire movie centers around the contrast between the sexiness of Latin dance and the rigid formalities of classic ballroom dancing. Everything from costumes, to choreography, to the lead actors underline the fact that Cuban dancing = dirty and white dancing = clean? lame? not good?
The movie tries to gain some dramatic credibility with its historical backdrop, but the factual revolution cannot hide the fact that the movie is pure cheez: shoddy cinematagrophy, stilted dialogue, a sad excuse for a plot, and a focus on pretty clothes, pretty actors, and catchy music.
Despite the fluffy storyline, the cast does a pretty decent job. However, the only performance worth noting is that of Diego Luna, who plays Javier the busboy. Luna, although at first glance is far from being the sexy lead, proves to be quite charming. I don't know if it's the accent, his smile, or his innate sense of rhythm, but Luna is most convincing as the young man who tempts the conservative foreigner to do some dirty dancing -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge. (See how subtle I was just now? That's how subtle this film is).
Before you proceed to view this film, I must warn you: There is an absolutely horrifying cameo by Patrick Swayze. I don't know if he stuck his head in a vacuum or received some discounted plastic surgery, but Swayze is a good example of how plastic surgery can go wrong -- very wrong. Now I understand why Swayze agreed to appear in Havana Nights. He may not be getting any more film work for awhile (or perhaps he needed the money to repair his face).
My recommendation: Rent it if you enjoy cheezy dance films or want to see Patrick Swayze's film career crash and burn before your eyes.
17 August 2004
13 Going on 30
After a terrible birthday party, 13-year-old, Jenna Rink revels in some pre-teen angst while unwittingly evoking the magic of wishing dust, a gift from her charming, but schlumpy best friend, Matty. Jenna wishes to be thirty, which according to her favorite magazine Poise, is the best time of a woman's life. Through the magic of the so called "wishing dust" Jenna wakes up the next morning as herself seventeen years in the future (or for you non-math superstars: 3o years old). Fortunately, Jenna's life is everything she hoped it would be. She's gorgeous aka Jennifer Garner, wealthy, well-dressed, and a successful editor at Poise. Consequently, Jenna begins to realize that her movie-perfect life came at a price and Jenna is not exactly the woman she had hoped to become. As she comedically struggles to figure out how to be a thirty-year old, Jenna seeks out the adult version of her best friend Matty, now played by the charming, and definitely not schulmpy, Mark Ruffalo. Then, before you can say romantic comedy, Jenna realizes that Matty really is the "nicest" guy she has ever met (translation: She's falling in love with him). The question remains, does Matty like like Jenna or... will he marry his equally cool fiancee? I guess there's also the question if Matty falls in love with Jenna, doesn't that mean he's hooking up with a 13-year-old?
13 Going on 30 is often compared to Big, a film that set the bar for kid-in-adult's-body films. Unfortunately, 13 Going on 30 is nowhere near the greatness of the Tom Hanks film. First of all, the wishing dust premise is rather weak as a far as magical transformation/time traveling scenarios go. Big does a wonderful job of building up the mystery and magic of the creepy carnival fortune teller machine. 13 merely relies on a packet of magic dust that looks a lot like a bag of Pop Rocks. With all the potential wishes that a thirteen year old could make, wishing to be thirty years old is probably one of the lamest wishes ever. No wonder Jenna has no friends. Furthermore, I don't know why more people aren't capitalizing on the wishing dust. What about world peace, a cure for AIDs, or the eradication of day-glo spandex? Then again, I suppose "wishing dust" is an appropriate name for a powdery substance that "magically" transports a person to an idealistic version of the future. In any case, the movie begs that the audience, like Jenna Rink, not dwell on the wishing dust too much and simply accept the fact that Jenna is a thirteen year-old in an adult woman's body.
With such a predictable plot, the movie can chalk up its box office success to its talented cast.
Jennifer Garner, for the most part, charmingly pulls off the, albeit exaggerated, naivete of a thirteen year old. On the other hand, her cuteness sometimes gets a little too cute and perky. Teenagers, particularly those that are shunned by the "popular kids", aren't that perky. The 1980s Jenna Rink certainly wasn't as sweet and cheery as the Jennifer Garner version of Jenna Rink. Despite the hyper cuteness of her squinty facial expressions, perfect hair, and stylishly colorful wardrobe , Garner, as a thirteen year old in a thirty year old's body manages to mainatin a tolerable level of charm and innocence that would probably annoy me had Jenna strictly been a thirteen year old.
Mark Ruffalo, playing the swan version of Jenna's ugly duckiling best friend, Matty is simply dreamy. Ruffalo is attractive, yet posseses a everyman quality. He's perfect as the boy-next-door all grown up. Judy Greer, who I remember as the goofy, yet high-strung assistant from The Wedding Planner, does an interesting turn as Jenna's ambitious best friend/ co-worker, Lucy. There's not much to Lucy's character, but Greer does an effective job of creating a character who is not meant to be all that likeable, but on the other hand, worthy of audience sympathy. Did I mention that Gollum is Jenn'as boss (aka Richard Kneeland)?
Overall, 13 Going on 30 is best described as cute -- cute wardrobe, cute actors, cute romance, cute situational irony -- you get the point.
My Recommendation: I wouldn't head to the video store just to rent 13 Going on 30 but I'd say it's worth renting if you're in the mood for some cute crap, especially if you have a coupon.
13 Going on 30 is often compared to Big, a film that set the bar for kid-in-adult's-body films. Unfortunately, 13 Going on 30 is nowhere near the greatness of the Tom Hanks film. First of all, the wishing dust premise is rather weak as a far as magical transformation/time traveling scenarios go. Big does a wonderful job of building up the mystery and magic of the creepy carnival fortune teller machine. 13 merely relies on a packet of magic dust that looks a lot like a bag of Pop Rocks. With all the potential wishes that a thirteen year old could make, wishing to be thirty years old is probably one of the lamest wishes ever. No wonder Jenna has no friends. Furthermore, I don't know why more people aren't capitalizing on the wishing dust. What about world peace, a cure for AIDs, or the eradication of day-glo spandex? Then again, I suppose "wishing dust" is an appropriate name for a powdery substance that "magically" transports a person to an idealistic version of the future. In any case, the movie begs that the audience, like Jenna Rink, not dwell on the wishing dust too much and simply accept the fact that Jenna is a thirteen year-old in an adult woman's body.
With such a predictable plot, the movie can chalk up its box office success to its talented cast.
Jennifer Garner, for the most part, charmingly pulls off the, albeit exaggerated, naivete of a thirteen year old. On the other hand, her cuteness sometimes gets a little too cute and perky. Teenagers, particularly those that are shunned by the "popular kids", aren't that perky. The 1980s Jenna Rink certainly wasn't as sweet and cheery as the Jennifer Garner version of Jenna Rink. Despite the hyper cuteness of her squinty facial expressions, perfect hair, and stylishly colorful wardrobe , Garner, as a thirteen year old in a thirty year old's body manages to mainatin a tolerable level of charm and innocence that would probably annoy me had Jenna strictly been a thirteen year old.
Mark Ruffalo, playing the swan version of Jenna's ugly duckiling best friend, Matty is simply dreamy. Ruffalo is attractive, yet posseses a everyman quality. He's perfect as the boy-next-door all grown up. Judy Greer, who I remember as the goofy, yet high-strung assistant from The Wedding Planner, does an interesting turn as Jenna's ambitious best friend/ co-worker, Lucy. There's not much to Lucy's character, but Greer does an effective job of creating a character who is not meant to be all that likeable, but on the other hand, worthy of audience sympathy. Did I mention that Gollum is Jenn'as boss (aka Richard Kneeland)?
Overall, 13 Going on 30 is best described as cute -- cute wardrobe, cute actors, cute romance, cute situational irony -- you get the point.
My Recommendation: I wouldn't head to the video store just to rent 13 Going on 30 but I'd say it's worth renting if you're in the mood for some cute crap, especially if you have a coupon.
10 August 2004
Euro Trip: Unrated
Recent high school grad, Scotty Thomas spontaneously heads to Europe with his best friend, Cooper to find Scotty's gorgeous German pen pal, Mieke. After meeting up with twin pals, Jenny and Jamie in Paris, the four take the the most roundabout, horomone-driven route to Berlin, including stops at a nude beach, an Amsterdam sex club, and East Germany.
For a movie who's biggest selling point is that it's made by the same horny men of Road Trip, I wasn't expecting much. With all the frontal female and male nudity, one would think that the filmmakers were trying to distract from a really crappy movie. To my great surprise, if you get beyond all the gratuitous nudity of the "Unrated" DVD, you'll find a hilarious teen comedy definitely worth viewing.
The movie features a charming group of unknown young actors who portray more than just your typical group of sex crazy teens. They're sex crazy teens with heart? Resembling a cuter, younger version of the guy who played Ed (the NBC show, not the talking horse) Scott Mechlowicz is very appealing as the romantic, yet horny Scotty Thomas who earnestly treks across Europe in search of his greatest hookup, and perhaps even, the love of his life. Cooper Harris, Scotty's wisecracking, horndog best friend, played by Jacob Pitts, is standard teen movie fare, but funny nonetheless. Travis Wester as Jamie, the horny, uptight, know-it-all could have gotten annoying pretty quickly, until I realized how useful know-it-alls are. I even got over the slow-mo bikin shots of the seemingly pre-pubescent, and of course, horny Jenny, played by Michelle Trachtenberg of Harriet the Spy fame, after realizing that she can pull off smart and sassy.
Perhaps even more memorable are the crazy cameos: Kristin Kreuk as Shallow Ex-Girlfriend, Matt Damon as Punk Singer, Lucy Lawless as the Dominatrix, and my personal favorite, SNL's Fred Armissen as Sketchy Italian Guy. Even David Hasselhoff gets a little screen time -- in German!
Euro Trip is rife with European stereotypes (crazy Brit football fanatics, anti-American Frenchman, lecherous Italians), but manages to be both irreverent and affectionate towards Europe. Just when the political incorrectness becomes border line offensive, the movie momentarily overturns a European stereotype. But, then, Fred Armissen comes back on screen as the lecherous Italian man or Scotty becomes the new Pope, and you laugh your butt off while shaking your head in shame.
What I appreciated most was the film's random humor and subtlety. For starters, the artistry of the graphics was quite a pleasant surprise. Pay attention to the opening credits, a clever parody of an airline safety manual. The transitional graphics between scenes and European destinations is reminiscent of the stuff done on Home Improvement and is also worth a good look. Another random highlight, where the screenwriters and mind-altering substances come to mind, is a face-off between Scotty and a Parisian street performer. Boasting a surprising repetoire of robot moves, Scotty skillyfully brings it and shows up the silver-faced "robot." And finally, I can't forget the riotous homage to Hitler. I'm not going to say more. You just have to watch the movie.
I expected to hate this movie, but I really did enjoy it. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's still crap, but it's also hilarious crap.
My Recommendation: Despite the over the top "Unrated" gimmicks, rent it. If you're only interested in the T & A & Penis, you should probably buy the video. No one wants to borrow that video after you're done with it.
For a movie who's biggest selling point is that it's made by the same horny men of Road Trip, I wasn't expecting much. With all the frontal female and male nudity, one would think that the filmmakers were trying to distract from a really crappy movie. To my great surprise, if you get beyond all the gratuitous nudity of the "Unrated" DVD, you'll find a hilarious teen comedy definitely worth viewing.
The movie features a charming group of unknown young actors who portray more than just your typical group of sex crazy teens. They're sex crazy teens with heart? Resembling a cuter, younger version of the guy who played Ed (the NBC show, not the talking horse) Scott Mechlowicz is very appealing as the romantic, yet horny Scotty Thomas who earnestly treks across Europe in search of his greatest hookup, and perhaps even, the love of his life. Cooper Harris, Scotty's wisecracking, horndog best friend, played by Jacob Pitts, is standard teen movie fare, but funny nonetheless. Travis Wester as Jamie, the horny, uptight, know-it-all could have gotten annoying pretty quickly, until I realized how useful know-it-alls are. I even got over the slow-mo bikin shots of the seemingly pre-pubescent, and of course, horny Jenny, played by Michelle Trachtenberg of Harriet the Spy fame, after realizing that she can pull off smart and sassy.
Perhaps even more memorable are the crazy cameos: Kristin Kreuk as Shallow Ex-Girlfriend, Matt Damon as Punk Singer, Lucy Lawless as the Dominatrix, and my personal favorite, SNL's Fred Armissen as Sketchy Italian Guy. Even David Hasselhoff gets a little screen time -- in German!
Euro Trip is rife with European stereotypes (crazy Brit football fanatics, anti-American Frenchman, lecherous Italians), but manages to be both irreverent and affectionate towards Europe. Just when the political incorrectness becomes border line offensive, the movie momentarily overturns a European stereotype. But, then, Fred Armissen comes back on screen as the lecherous Italian man or Scotty becomes the new Pope, and you laugh your butt off while shaking your head in shame.
What I appreciated most was the film's random humor and subtlety. For starters, the artistry of the graphics was quite a pleasant surprise. Pay attention to the opening credits, a clever parody of an airline safety manual. The transitional graphics between scenes and European destinations is reminiscent of the stuff done on Home Improvement and is also worth a good look. Another random highlight, where the screenwriters and mind-altering substances come to mind, is a face-off between Scotty and a Parisian street performer. Boasting a surprising repetoire of robot moves, Scotty skillyfully brings it and shows up the silver-faced "robot." And finally, I can't forget the riotous homage to Hitler. I'm not going to say more. You just have to watch the movie.
I expected to hate this movie, but I really did enjoy it. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's still crap, but it's also hilarious crap.
My Recommendation: Despite the over the top "Unrated" gimmicks, rent it. If you're only interested in the T & A & Penis, you should probably buy the video. No one wants to borrow that video after you're done with it.
03 August 2004
From Justin to Kelly
Justin and Kelly head to Miami with their respective posses to have the craziest Spring Break of their lives. And, boy, do things get wild and crazy in Miami. Beach goers burst into choreographed song and dance numbers. Justin’s homie ventures to meet up with a girl he just met on the Internet. One of Kelly’s friends even dates a – gasp – busboy! At the heart of all this spring break debauchery, is a love-at-first-sight romance between a player from Phili, “Justin” and a sweet waitress from Texas, “Kelly.” Despite their strong attraction? to each other, bad pop songs, a jealous friend, a wet t-shirt contest, and perhaps more accurately, a lack of chemistry are determined to keep the star crossed lovers apart.
From Justin to Kelly is exactly what I expected an American Idol movie to be like. In the same vein as those annoying Ford Focus musical skits on the television series, From Justin to Kelly is camptastic. There really is no reason to watch the film except to make fun of it. I honestly wanted to like the movie. Justin and Kelly seem like nice people with pleasant voices. I really did not want the movie to suck as much as it did. Just about everything in the movie is cringeworthy – the costumes, the garishly fake backdrops, the extremely peppy extras who were obviously paid in drugs or alcohol, the plot, the dialogue, the acting, not to mention the music. I admittedly enjoy pop music and can overlook laughable lyrics, a lack of talent, and the over use of synthesizers all for the sake of a good beat, but the music in From Justin to Kelly was unbearable. Couple the pop poop with regurgitated choreography from the Backstreet Boys and you get a film barely worthy of being called a “musical.” The only remarkable song is a duet between Guarini and Clarkson on their sailing date where they profess their feelings for each other. This song would be ten times better if all I had to do was listen to it, but watching Clarkson and Guarini feign chemistry in front of a criminally bad representation of a romantic sunset squelches all enjoyment of the musical number. I would include the name of the song, but it’s not worth going back to the DVD.
Surprisingly, Justin Guarini is quite good at playing “Justin.” He seems to make the most of the films abhorrent dialogue and delivers his lines with as much sincerity as his hair will let him. Kelly Clarkson’s acting, on the other hand, is a little more excruciating to watch, but at least she’s good at singing. I’m sure the rest of the supporting cast is just as nice and talented as Justin and Kelly, but their names aren’t in the title so I don’t remember anything about them.
From Justin to Kelly is a bad movie, but it’s so bad that it becomes good. It’s like yo’ mama, so easy to trash on.
If you find it under your friend’s mattress or some other secret hiding spot, feel free to take a look. Or, better yet, wait until it’s $1.99 at Walmart, watch it, then stick it in the microwave.
My recommendation: Unless you have some alternative use for the DVD, wait until it’s free.
From Justin to Kelly is exactly what I expected an American Idol movie to be like. In the same vein as those annoying Ford Focus musical skits on the television series, From Justin to Kelly is camptastic. There really is no reason to watch the film except to make fun of it. I honestly wanted to like the movie. Justin and Kelly seem like nice people with pleasant voices. I really did not want the movie to suck as much as it did. Just about everything in the movie is cringeworthy – the costumes, the garishly fake backdrops, the extremely peppy extras who were obviously paid in drugs or alcohol, the plot, the dialogue, the acting, not to mention the music. I admittedly enjoy pop music and can overlook laughable lyrics, a lack of talent, and the over use of synthesizers all for the sake of a good beat, but the music in From Justin to Kelly was unbearable. Couple the pop poop with regurgitated choreography from the Backstreet Boys and you get a film barely worthy of being called a “musical.” The only remarkable song is a duet between Guarini and Clarkson on their sailing date where they profess their feelings for each other. This song would be ten times better if all I had to do was listen to it, but watching Clarkson and Guarini feign chemistry in front of a criminally bad representation of a romantic sunset squelches all enjoyment of the musical number. I would include the name of the song, but it’s not worth going back to the DVD.
Surprisingly, Justin Guarini is quite good at playing “Justin.” He seems to make the most of the films abhorrent dialogue and delivers his lines with as much sincerity as his hair will let him. Kelly Clarkson’s acting, on the other hand, is a little more excruciating to watch, but at least she’s good at singing. I’m sure the rest of the supporting cast is just as nice and talented as Justin and Kelly, but their names aren’t in the title so I don’t remember anything about them.
From Justin to Kelly is a bad movie, but it’s so bad that it becomes good. It’s like yo’ mama, so easy to trash on.
If you find it under your friend’s mattress or some other secret hiding spot, feel free to take a look. Or, better yet, wait until it’s $1.99 at Walmart, watch it, then stick it in the microwave.
My recommendation: Unless you have some alternative use for the DVD, wait until it’s free.
Hellboy - Movie Review
According to Hellboy, those Nazis weren't all about mass ethnic genocide. Nope, what they were really interested in was opening the portal to Hell so that Earth too could become a fiery, desolate pit of despair, or as they called it "Eden." Led by the kooky Russian prince of mischief and mayhem, Rasputin, the German evil doers, through the power of 40 watt light bulbs and the unintelligble ramblings of a bald man, bring into the world an infant demon from hell, who, with the exception of the fat bunnies in Land of the Lepus, is possibly the scariest creature I have ever seen in my life. Fortunately for the sake of humankind, a ragtag group of American soldiers, led by a purhearted "professor of paranormal research", Dr. Broom manage to foil their Nazi shenanigans. Fast forward sixty years later, Dr. Broom and a group of secret government agents have raised the title character into a demon-fighting machine who loves kittens, pyros, and long walks through the subway. However, Hellboy soon finds himself in quite a pickle, when the evil Germans and Russian dude find the troubled anti-hero and force him to choose between -- dun dun DUN! -- good and evil. Will Hellboy choose the dark side and destroy humankind? Will Hellboy get the girl? Will Hellboy ever change his name to Hellman?
I really wanted to like this movie. Ron Perlman is quite lovable as Hellboy. You can't help but sympathize with this misunderstood hero and his sardonic delivery of dialogue. Paralleling the plight of Hellboy, it sometimes feels like its up to Ron Perlman to carry the whole movie. Surrounded by a supporting cast of one dimensional characters, Perlman is fantastic at inspiring a confidence in Hellboy's superhero abilities, while maintaining a sense of vulnerability that actually has you pulling for the unlikely romance (don't want to see what kind of kid they'd produce) between the horned, red beast and the woe-begotten, fragile, "pyrokenetic" chick, Liz Sherman (Selma Blair).
The other characters are quite forgettable. Selma Blair is good at playing mopey and depressed, but that note gets old pretty quick. Rupert Evans is cute, but not all that likeable as the supposedly "purhearted" government agent, John Myers meant to help Hellboy keep on the good side. For example, merely moments after telling Liz that Hellboy loves her, he uses the old yawn trick to make a move on Hellboy's love interest. That was so not pure-hearted. In fact, as Hellboy's supposed mentor, and pseudo side kick, Myers is not all that helpful. The only thing he seems to be good at is handling props, like handing Hellboy his dinner, handing Hellboy a rosary necklace, or handing Hellboy a belt of explosives. I didn't even like Jeffrey Tambor's character, a condescending FBI big shot who refuses to give Hellboy props for routinely saving the world. There's a shoddy attempt at the end of the movie to redeem Tambor's character, suggesting that he's a good guy after all, but it's just to late. Ten minutes of good guyness cannot make up for 112 minutes of a-hole. The only other character I did like was Abe Sapien, played by Doug Jones. Abe is a telepathic mer-man who can read a person's past, present, and future, but can't read a book on his own. Annoyingly, Abe seems to posses the power to know the answer to everying, but virtually disappears from the movie after he gets mauled by a few fertile demon alien things. With his Fraiser Crane style of acting, Jones does a decent job of portraying a likeable and comical supporting character who with the exception of the cute code names "Blue" and "Red" is rather unecessary. I also enjoyed the performance of a Russian corspse.
The plot's not all that remarkable, but I think Ron Perlman's portrayl of Hellboy makes the movie worth seeing on a rainy deal. It's probably most enjoyable when seen with a bunch of friends, so that you can make fun of its absurdities and inconsitencies.
My recommendation: Rent it. Don't buy it.
I really wanted to like this movie. Ron Perlman is quite lovable as Hellboy. You can't help but sympathize with this misunderstood hero and his sardonic delivery of dialogue. Paralleling the plight of Hellboy, it sometimes feels like its up to Ron Perlman to carry the whole movie. Surrounded by a supporting cast of one dimensional characters, Perlman is fantastic at inspiring a confidence in Hellboy's superhero abilities, while maintaining a sense of vulnerability that actually has you pulling for the unlikely romance (don't want to see what kind of kid they'd produce) between the horned, red beast and the woe-begotten, fragile, "pyrokenetic" chick, Liz Sherman (Selma Blair).
The other characters are quite forgettable. Selma Blair is good at playing mopey and depressed, but that note gets old pretty quick. Rupert Evans is cute, but not all that likeable as the supposedly "purhearted" government agent, John Myers meant to help Hellboy keep on the good side. For example, merely moments after telling Liz that Hellboy loves her, he uses the old yawn trick to make a move on Hellboy's love interest. That was so not pure-hearted. In fact, as Hellboy's supposed mentor, and pseudo side kick, Myers is not all that helpful. The only thing he seems to be good at is handling props, like handing Hellboy his dinner, handing Hellboy a rosary necklace, or handing Hellboy a belt of explosives. I didn't even like Jeffrey Tambor's character, a condescending FBI big shot who refuses to give Hellboy props for routinely saving the world. There's a shoddy attempt at the end of the movie to redeem Tambor's character, suggesting that he's a good guy after all, but it's just to late. Ten minutes of good guyness cannot make up for 112 minutes of a-hole. The only other character I did like was Abe Sapien, played by Doug Jones. Abe is a telepathic mer-man who can read a person's past, present, and future, but can't read a book on his own. Annoyingly, Abe seems to posses the power to know the answer to everying, but virtually disappears from the movie after he gets mauled by a few fertile demon alien things. With his Fraiser Crane style of acting, Jones does a decent job of portraying a likeable and comical supporting character who with the exception of the cute code names "Blue" and "Red" is rather unecessary. I also enjoyed the performance of a Russian corspse.
The plot's not all that remarkable, but I think Ron Perlman's portrayl of Hellboy makes the movie worth seeing on a rainy deal. It's probably most enjoyable when seen with a bunch of friends, so that you can make fun of its absurdities and inconsitencies.
My recommendation: Rent it. Don't buy it.
30 July 2004
Renting Crappy Movies
Thanks to the Blockbuster Movie pass, I no longer feel guilty about renting crappy movies that probably aren't worth the new release rental fee. Instead, I can watch newly released crap to my heart's content.
I hope that you find my reviews helpful and appreciate the fact that I have to endure the shame of hearing the video clerk incredulously confirm, "Alright, tonight you are renting Hellboy and (pause) From Justin to Kelly?"
-Anna
I hope that you find my reviews helpful and appreciate the fact that I have to endure the shame of hearing the video clerk incredulously confirm, "Alright, tonight you are renting Hellboy and (pause) From Justin to Kelly?"
-Anna
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