That's So American: Mall and Movies

I don't know how I managed to live over a year in Seoul and not know that there's a mall at Yongsan. I've been to Yongsan Station a couple of times, but never noticed the huge "multiplex" building RIGHT NEXT DOOR! You'd think I'd notice such a thing.

I went to the iPark Mall for the first time during the lunar new year weekend with my gyopo relatives. We only went to the theater, but it appears to have all the features of a mall: shops, eateries, move theater, and central heating/cooling system. The mall is a little cluttered and stuffy for my tastes, but it's definitely worth another trip.

Over the holidy weekend, I also accompanied my cousins to the US military base at Yongsan. We weren't able to go to the comissary, but we did get to shop at the fast food eateries. It's pretty embarassing how excited I felt when I purchased a large bag of Cheddar Sun Chips for $1.95! We also had dinner at the hotel. I ordered mediocre Carne Asada tacos, and they were awesome!

We also caught a movie at the theaters on base. We saw Disney's Bolt. Surprisingly, Miley Cyrus' voice did not make my ears bleed, and I quite enjoyed the film. I have to admit though that I was a little startled by the playing of the National Anthem before the start of the film. I was leaning back in my seat, enjoying some Sweet Tarts when at the blare of trumpets, my cousin N. whispers, "Quick! Stand up!" Baffled, I jolted upwards, then noticed on the big screen, a patriotic montage of smiling soldiers, waving flags, and cherubic children. I looked around at the other theater goers and saw them staring intently at the screen with their bodies at attention, and hands plastered at their sides. I followed suit, but couldn't help but feel a little weirded out. I'm proud to be American, but for a moment, I felt like one of those pajama-clad guys in the Apple 1984 commercial. On the other hand, for $4 movie tickets I will stand attentively through the Anthem, recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and wear red, white, and blue.

Craptastic: Vintage Annalog

If you've been stalking my blog, then you probably discerned from my lil' ol' profile that I started blogging in July of 2004. What you may not know is that before I got all self-centered and started blogging about my inane non-adventures in and between the Motherland, I just stuck to blogging about movies.

Back in the summer of 2004, I had just gotten a Blockbuster Movie Plan (I was trying to resist the Netflix trend) and was working an office job that required a lot of mindless, white-collar sweatshop-type work, like stuffing envelopes. And, thus, my movie blog was born (which at that time was called "Craptastic").

When I started blogging about the Motherland, I decided to hide all of my movie-related posts. I can't really say why I did this. I guess I didn't want people to know the extent of my weirdness, but that's now moot since I already posted a video of myself lip-syncing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" (No, I'm not going to post the link. You have to search for the humiliation on your own). Dignity went out the officetel window a long time ago...

Anywho, at the request of Jusunnie I've decided to re-post all of my old movie reviews, especially for those of you stuck behind a computer all-day, trying to stretch two hours worth of work across eight hours. I was going to import all of my movies into a new movie-centric blog, but I could not find the "Import Blog" button as detailed in the Blogger Help section. (Thanks a lot, Blogger. You are a big fat liar!)

So, if you're curious enough to read my old movie reviews, you can just click on the "movies" tag buried somewhere in the right sidebar (I know, I know. My tag list is out of control!). I should note that most of the movies I reviewed were movies that most people would not deign to spend a minute, let alone precious dollars on. I have a pretty high tolerance for crappy movies, but even I had to cringe a little when I saw the full listing of my movies posts, which includes such gems as:

Into the Blue
Cellular
My Baby's Daddy
New York Minute
Dirty Dancing Havana Nights
From Justin to Kelly
Oh. Yes. I. Did.

I'd like to make a special shout out to the original readers of Annalog, who started reading my blog way before I ever started blogging about BB Cream or what to wear at a Korean wedding. There were literally only four readers: J.Mo, DJ OSV, Mark Y., and my sister, Doogal. Of course, they've probably all stopped reading my blog around the time I started blogging about BB Cream or what to wear at a Korean wedding, but I know they're all still part of the Annalog Fan Club-- because I said so.

Twilight the Movie

I went an saw the Twilight today. Oh, yes, I did. Whether you hate it, love it, or have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure you're wondering what's got teen fans trampling over each other at San Francisco's Stonetown Galleria.

You'd think that the theater would be pretty empty at 10:45 am on a Friday morning, but there was a surprising number of people out to watch Twilight this morning. I guess there are a lot of people dying to see the film, just at a matinee price. There were also more dudes than I expected, a few of them weren't even in tow of some swooning female.

Here's the SYNOPSIS for those of you how have been unexposed to Twilight Fever.

Bella, a pale, accident-prone teen, unaware of her hotness or enticingly fragrant blood, moves to Forks to live with her father, who she has not seen since she was four. Despite the fact that boys at her new school are throwing themselves at her feet, Bella is inexplicably drawn to a classmate (even paler and hotter than herself), a boy who has a tendency to glower at her or just outright threaten her life. Of course, their angst-ridden attraction is complicated by the fact that, said boy, Edward Cullen, is a vampire (Shh, don't tell.). Sure, the story sounds simple, but the possibility of a romance is further complicated by a gang of predatory mallrats, busybodies from the "Res", and a coven of menacing vampires, who are not that into baseball. Will Bella ever find out that Edward is a vampire? (Of course) Will Edward turn Bella into a vampire? (One can only hope) Will Bella and Edward go to the prom? (But, she doesn't have anything to wear!)

So, what did I think of the film? I'm glad you asked...

First of all, I should note that it is rather difficult to adapt the Twilight novel into a film, for several reasons: 1) Because, it's pretty long. 2) The vampires are described as "inhumanly beautiful." Good luck casting an inhumanly beautiful human. 3) A large part of the novel relies on the narrator's introspection. I have to give props to the screenwriter (Melissa Rosenberg) and director (Catherine Hardwicke) for taking on such a daunting task, especially knowing that die hard fans will tar and feather you if you mess up their beloved book.

The film is not mind-blowing, but it didn't make me want to blow out my brains either. It wasn't bad, actually. Despite her penchant for out-of-place close-ups and these awkward, sepia-toned, iMovie quality flashback sequences, the director was able to depict a seemingly genuine portrayal of teen life in a smalltown in Washington. Bascially, to my relief, the film never felt liked "Vampire High School Musical." Maybe it was due to the lack of sunlight, but there was an unexpected sense of gritty realisim. (By "gritty" I mean Law & Order SVU gritty). Despite its fan base, the film, for the most part, didn't feel like it was catering to a teen audience. The filmmakers also did a good job of capturing all that the Twilight novel has to offer - romance, suspense, action, and a bit of fantasy and folklore. There's even a bit of intentional humor (thanks to the screenwriter, I think). It's a smorgasbord of genres!

I hesistate to say that a person who is not familiar with the novel will enjoy the film. I think one area where the film falls short is the intensity of Bella and Edward's attraction. In the movie, Bella comes off as rash and a tad obsessive, while Edward just seems like a big ol's stalker with major mood swings. To a certain extent, this is also true in terms of the novel, but the book also allows you to follow Bella's perspective such that your curiousity about Edward grows along with the narrator until you too become obsessed with Edward Cullen. Bella's feelings for Edward does not translate very well to the big screen. Had I not read the book, I probably would have sat there thinking, that girl is to cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Another notable weakness of the film were the casting choices. To my surprise, I really liked Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen. I had seen all those photos of him looking scruffy and unwashed, but he was quite swoonworthy in film. He did a fine job of portraying Edward's conflicting emotions, and looking naturally pale, I might add. In contrast, I had thought that Kristin Stewart would do a decent job as Bella Swan, so I was quite disappointed. She may look the part, but she has a really peculiar way of acting. Whenever the character got a little agitated, she'd break into this stilted manner of speech, a cross between a stammer and asthma attack. It was very distracting. As for the rest of the Cullens, the actors were adequate, but forgettable. Even the villains were lackluster, but I attribute that to their bad hairdos.

This leads me to my biggest beef with the film: the bad hair. I'm not even lying. The hair in the film really bugged me. I would have enjoyed the film significantly more if I hadn't been so distracted by the bad hair on the supporting cast. If it was so important to keep the supporting characters blonde, as described in the book, then the director should have hired more convincing blondes. The bleach jobs were atrocious. You'd think that after centuries of life, vampires would find a shade of hair that complimented their powder white skin. Also, Alice (one of the cooler characters in the novel, but kind of lame in the film) had a terrible soccer mom hair cut that also kind of drove me bonkers.













This film can be enjoyed by a wider audience, but I think it would be better appreciated if you read the book first. I know that a lot of people like to criticize the book and pass it off as inane teen fare, but I think it's a cool little book. I'm not heralding it as the next literary masterpiece, but I've taught in the classroom a number of times, and all of my students have loved it. In addition to all the romance and suspense, I think young readers can also connect to Bella's and Edward's self-consciousness, lonelinesss, sense of being different, and attraction to the forbidden. Plus, there's something interesting about loving someone who brings out the best and the worst in you.

I know there are a lot of Twilight haters out there, but I just have to say, don't front. You know that you went out and read New Moon (and Eclipse and Breaking Dawn), all the while, telling people that you just wanted to know how the "train wreck ended" or that you "wanted a good laugh."

You don't have to lie. We know that you got bitten.

Up! Trailer!

The trailer for Up!, Pixar's next film is out.
An old curmudgeon and a chunky Asian boy scout flying the skies in a balloon-powered house? I'm so intrigued...

Movies for Ajumma

My mom and emo wanted to watch a movie, so they asked me too find out what's playing inthe theaters. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of ajumma friendly stuff out there. Amidst all the horror flicks and action/suspense films, I managed to pick out a couple of contenders:


OPTION #1:

The Secret Life of Bees

I show the beginning of the trailer to my emo, and her immediate comment is, "It's PG-13? That's for kids." My emo walks away, so I show my mom the trailer. She comments, "It's PG-13. That's for kids." Apparently, my mom and emo like their movies a little less kid friendly.

My mom then goes on for a bit about a film that she and emo saw months ago, (they were taken in by the film poster). At that time, my mom just called it the movie where the guy sits on a bus. I had no idea what she was talking about, but today, I realized that she was talking about Into the Wild.

As I search for the next film option, my mom declares that Into the Wild was about a genius and tells me that she and emo want to watch something similar, i.e., a film based on a true story.

So, let's recap. They want a dirty movie, somewhat based on a true story. Beverly Hill Chihuahuas? Max Payne? Eagle Eye? (Heck no). The Duchess? Bingo!



OPTION #2
The Duchess

I show my mom the trailer for The Duchess. She seems really engrossed, so I think we have a winner. At the end of the trailer, I ask her, "What do you think?" She looks at me blankly. Then, I ask, "Did you understand their British accents?"

"Not really."

Back to the drawing board...



There's actually only one film out right now that mom and emo would enjoy. I knew this from the beginning, but since I didn't see it in the theater listings, I didn't mention it. I decide to show my mom the trailer for The Changeling. "Ooh, I like that movie," she exclaims even though she has yet to see the film.

Sadly, The Changeling is in limited release and hasn't made it to our local theaters.
Darn.

Why is there so much crapola in the theaters? Hollywood, you need to pay attention. You seriously need to tap into the ajumma market. Here's what you need to do: Make a based-on-a-true story about a poor person who moves up in the world, but then encounters some tragic end. Please exclude nudity, foul language, and British accents.

Until then, my mom and emo are going to stick to their Korean DVDs.

Eagle Eye

We went to see Eagle Eye this week. Everyone seemed to be looking forward to the film. I have to admit, I hadn't known what the film was about. I just knew that it was Shia LaBeouf's big debut as a leading "man."

Aww. Look at little Shia, all grown up, with facial hair and everything.













Before I give you the low-down on Eagle Eye, can I just ask, since when have theaters allowed "outside food"? On the way to the AMC theater, I stopped at the Cinnabon because it had this big sign that said something to the effect of, "Buy your snacks here. Don't let yourself get ripped off by the movie theater. Let us rip you off with our stale mini-bons instead." This new open food policy is a pleasant surprise. It is a little tricky to sneak in Bubble Tea without a little spillage.

Anyway, about Eagle Eye, here's the gist:

Jerry Shaw (Shia LeBeouf) is a fast-talking clerk at the Copy Cabana. He is presumably a smart guy because he was a former Stanford student. Unfortunately, due to his failure to consult with an advisor from the Undergraduate Advising or the Freshman Dean's Office (in my opinion), he dropped out a couple of years in, and is consequently, so broke that he can't even afford a razor (also, my interpretation). His woes worsen when he loses his brother to a fatal car accident.

Jerry returns from his brother's funeral and miraculously finds $750,000 in his checking account. On top of that, he returns to his apartment and finds boxes and boxes of various terrorist paraphernalia (fertilizer, guns, false passports, etc.), all of which he did not order. Suspicious... After rifling through all of the boxes like an idiot, Jerry receives a phone call from a mysterious woman who instructs him to run or else be seized by a battalion of FBI agents and charged for terrorist shenanigans. And, here, lies the main premise of the film. The mysterious caller, through the various wonders of modern communication technology, instructs Jerry to complete a series of dangerous tasks at the risk of grave consequences. Though Jerry tries to ignore the calls, she always manages to get a hold of him. It's like she can see his every move. It's like she has an EAGLE EYE. Dun dun dun. Meanwhile, young Marcia Gay Harden, a single mother (Michelle Monaghan) finds herself in a similar predicament to Jerry, and sooner than later, meets up with the young lad. Together, the duo brave the mysterious caller's menacing demands, try to figure out what Jerry's dead brother has to do with anything, and desperately attempt to evade the EAGLE EYE. Dun dun dun.

Oh, yeah, meanwhile, the duo, presumed to be terrorists, are pursued by Agent Billy Bob Thornton (played by Billy Bob Thornton).

My thoughts:

Shia LaBeouf, the young whippersnapper, is definitely going to live up to his hype as the next big leading man (barring drug addiction, a same-sex love affair, or premature balding). I think he's got the potential to be the next Will Smith. Probably. Maybe. Possibly? He can cry real tears and deliver sharp quips, a mile a minute. The boy is quite talented. I have great faith in Shia LaBeouf's future, but I don't think he's quite ready to play a "man", especially opposite a woman who looks like she could be his mother. The boy may have a deep voice and probably a DUI under his belt, but he's only a few years out of Even Stevens. He's not old enough to star in an action film that requires him to wear a suit.

The rest of the cast is just as solid, but something bugged me about each of them:
Billy Bob Thornton -- His fake teeth.
Rosario Dawson - Every interaction with a male character always seemed like it was heading towards romance. I like Rosario Dawson as an actress, but her character was pretty pointless.
Michelle Monaghan - She looked too much like Marcia Gay Harden. (It took nearly the entire film for me to figure out who she looked like.)
The "Mysterious Caller" - She was like a talking Sunday Advertisement Pull-out. The "caller" would essentially say things like, "Go to the Macy's and buy a new outfit" or "Go to the Circuit City Home Entertainment Center and wait for my next message, now available in HD. Don't forget to ask your sales associate about our new zero -down, 0% APR offer." It was so annoying. Whatever happened to subliminal messaging?

As for the plot, I have to say that the premise was intriguing, but then I realized that the film was basically a mix of [SPOILERISH ALERT]...




Saw and I.Robot, only with cell phones.

The movie would have been fun if the filmmakers didn't try to get all lofty at the end and cram in themes about national security, human rights, retribution, personal freedoms, and communication technology. I don't want to give anything away, but it seemed like the film sort of unraveled at the end. It's rather disappointing because the filmmakers did a good job of building the suspense and action in the first half of the film, but then, as if they realized that the movie was getting too long (or maybe the hole was too deep and there was no turning back), they hastily brought it to an end.

How about a convoluted metaphor to help illustrate my point? It's like we were all hitting at a pinata. At first, we diligently cracked the pinata's paper mached exterior at a steady pace, but suddenly, we realize that it's time to go blow out the birthday candles, so your mother grabs the pinata and runs it over wither her car. Then, everyone's like, "Yeah, I guess that works..." Later, we all leave the party with drooped shoulders, clutching paper bags filled with crushed hard candies.

Maybe some kids came away from the party with M&Ms and bubble gum, but I only got crushed butterscotch and strawberry candy. I appreciated the ideas behind Eagle Eye, but the end result wasn't very impressive. Plus, all the gratuitous car chase scenes made me experience a little motion sickness. That's no fun.

엄마 미아!

I took my mom to see Mama Mia before her flight last night. BT-dub, the movie theaters are packed on Chuseok. I thought it was only my family who went to the movies on a major holiday, but apparently it's a general Korean thing. So I guess watching Saw II on the birthday of Jesus is an inherent part of being Korean.

I saw the Mama Mia stage production a couple of years ago back in SF, and I remember it being campy, but enjoyable, so I was looking forward to Mama Mia the movie.

For those of you unfamiliar with the musical (Where have you been, people?), Mama Mia is the tale of a young woman, Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), who, unbeknownst to her mother (Meryl Streep), invites three of her mother's former lovers to her wedding. One of these three men is her father (I know. The mother was such a tart!). Through a series of song and dance numbers originally performed by Abba, Sophie is determined to figure out the identity of her unwitting father just in time for him to walk her down the aisle. I know. I know. If you'll just accept the kooky premise, you're more likely to enjoy the show. Just go with it.

If the premise doesn't catch your interest, maybe these musical clips will...





No? Still not interested?
I don't blame you. You're not missing out on anything.

My sister, after watching the film online, had recommended the movie to me. I'm sad to say that it was a major disappointment, despite the presence of Meryl Street. The Broadway musical just does not translate well to the big screen. The camp and spandex are simply enlarged in film -- in a bad way. It sort of felt like an extended karaoke music video, especially during the bits when the actor pranced around the island in slow-mo. It also seemed like all of the characters were performing under the influence. There were even a few times that I thought Amanda Seyfried's eyes were going to pop out of her head. I love Meryl Streep, but her character came off as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, if you know what I mean.

With Meryl Streep & Colin Firth, Abba songs, and raunchy old people jokes, Mama Mia is strategically designed for ajummas, and yet, even my mom fell asleep.

Today, my sister tells me that she fast forwarded through all the bits with dialogue. Thanks a lot, Doogal. Wish you had told me that earlier.

The movie has a few fun moments, but I would by no means recommend the film. If you don't like Abba, then you're definitely not going to like Mama Mia the movie. If you love Abba, then you may want to look out for the sing-along edition now playing in select theaters. Check the movie website for theater listings.

Dark Knight

We finally say Dark Knight, and boy, was it good. It literally had me on the edge of my seat. Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker totally lived up to the posthumous hype. Strangely though, his interpretation of the Joker reminded me of what I imagine is George Clooney on drugs. My only complaint (aside from Christian Bale's Batman voice) is Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes. I like Maggie Gyllenhaal as an actress, but I thought she played Rachel with a little too much moxy. I preferd Katie Holmes and her wide-eyed self-righteousness.

Also, is it just me or the did the movie feel really long? I felt like Dark Knight was five movies in one. Don't get me wrong. It was five exciting mini movies, but I kept thinking to myself, "It's not over yet?"

I definitely recommend seeing Dark Knight on the big screen. The action sequences, the intense drama, and Christian Bale are all deserving of the movie ticket price.

While at the movie theaters, to my great excitement, I noticed that Hana Yori Dango Final will hit Korean theaters this month. I'm tempted to watch it, but that means I'll have to read the subtitles in Korean! I've tried reading subtitles while watching various TV programs, so it's possible, but very challenging. I might just have to wait until it hits mysoju.com or crunchyroll.com.

Up!

I still haven't been to the Pixar Exhibition at the Seoul Arts Center (I have until Sept. 7th to check it out), and am waiting patiently to see Wall-E on the big screen at my neighborhood Cinus theater, but I am absolutely dying to see Pixar's next film, Up, simply based on this teaser:




I already adore this little guy. His name is Russell. I'd like to stuff him in my pocket and take him to eat kim bap and ddeok-boki.

Everybody Likes Kugfu Fighting...Pandas

SYNOPSIS
The zoological residents of the Valley of Peace have waited a thousand years for the prophesy of the Dragon Warrior to come to fruition. According to legend, when the time is right, the kung fu master selected as the Dragon Warrior is entitled to the mysterious scroll that holds the secret to being an invincible warrior.

Po, the unlikely hero of the story, is a tubby Panda who secretly dreams of becoming a kung fu master, despite his lack of any martial arts skills whatsoever. With his "father's" exuberant assurance that noodles are his destiny, Po resigns himself to serving noodles as his "father" and "ancestors" have done for generations.

To the surprise of everyone, especially Kung Fu Master Shifu and his team of highly trained fighters, Po is singled out by Master Oogway, the ancient turtle sage (no relation to the Ninja Turtles) as the Dragon Warrior.

Reluctantly, Shifu is forced to take Po under his tutelage and prepare him to defeat the menacing Tai Lung, an extremely powerful tiger fighter who holds a deep grudge against the noble Shifu and poses as a great threat to the peaceful valley.

ANNALOG'S REVIEW
I'm usually skeptical when it comes to CG animated films that are not produced by Pixar, but after reading a positive review of the film on the Frederator blog, I decided to check it out. Now, if you've read any of my other movie reviews, you know that this is the point when I would usually get all "snarky" ala TWP and mock the movie. I have to tell you, I have nothing to mock. I thoroughly enjoyed the film.

First of all, I found the animation in the film artful and innovative. Though I enjoyed the Shrek series, I've found the animation customary to Dreamwork's films to be too sharp (especially their disturbing depiction of human characters). In contrast, the character animation in Kung Fu Panda was either adorable or vibrant and pleasing to the eye. The facial expressions on the characters were particularly impressive, and really helped make the characters interesting.

Speaking of the characters, the voice actors were perfectly casted -- well, everyone but Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan. Their talent and personality were wasted in the film. They barely had any lines! They were obviously casted because of their ethnicity. I'm sure the producers would have casted more Chinese actors except a) there are only a few well-known Chinese actors b) the other semi-famous Chinese actors were used in Mulan and Dreamworks ain't interested in Disney's leftovers. The film also features the voice talents of Seth Rogen, David Cross, and James Hong, the actor who's been in practically every American film involving Chinese culture since Hollywood first figured out that Chinese people can speak English.

Jack Black as Po was simply lovable. Jack Black can be a little obnoxious when he goes full throttle, but he was equally endearing in both the comedic and emotionally tender scenes. I'm not certain what sort of animal Master Shifu was, but Dustin Hoffman was perfect as the old Kung Fu master. I was especially grateful that he didn't put on the Chinese accent that often afflicts most actors who are cast as the wise Asian elder. I was also grateful to hear a non-sexualized Angelina Jolie. She's usually forced to vamp it up and jut out her lips in every role that she plays (e.g. sexy fish, sexy battered woman, sexy forensic scientist), but as Tigress she was focused and pensive. Aside from Jack Black, I think the standout star of the film was the ferocious Tai Lung, voiced by Ian McShane. I literally gasped (out of fright) when he appeared on screen. He was seriously one intimidating villain.

Actually, I take that back. I think the star of the movie was Po's belly. I laughed at every joke involving the rotund Panda's belly.

Given its star-packed cast and Dreamwork's propensity to stuff their animated films with hip pop culture allusions, I was afraid that the film would be sidetracked by gimmicks. This time around, however, I think they've managed to pull off what Pixar is so adept at doing, producing an animated film driven by an engaging storyline and compelling characters.

The movie also takes advantage of the CG animation technology and produces some highly entertaining action sequences. Some of the humor of the verbal banter and Jack's uttering of the words "awesome" and "bodacious" may have been lost on the Korean audience, but they definitely enjoyed all of the physical gags. I know that obesity is a serious problem, but there's just something so hilarious about a fat panda. I totally heart fat animals.

I read on Popseoul that Cee Lo's version of "Kung Fu Fighter" was selected over Rain's version for the end credits of the film, so I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) to hear Rain singing during the end credits. That's when I decided to stick around for the conclusion of the end credits, because I vaguely remember reading online about a bonus clip.


I actually enjoyed watching the end credits, because it was accompanied by illustrations of the various characters in the film; a sort of "Where are they now?" The end credits were followed by a very brief clip of Shifu and Po that follows through with a metaphor introduced by Master Oogway. I'll just go ahead and use my superior skills of literary analysis and interpret the symbolism in the concluding image. The concluding image implies..."sequel."

I highly recommend Kung Fu Panda. In fact, I'll even go so far as to say that you should watch it on the big screen because in my opinion, it's deserving of an "A." As my students will attest to, it's hard to earn an "A" from Teacher Annalog.

Though the promotional display outside of the Kung Fu Panda theater has me looking forward to seeing this summer's next big animated film, Wall-E, Pixar better watch their backs, because as the Dreamworks people have learned, "Everybody likes Kung Fu fighting" (also, people tend to hate bumbling robots).

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The new Indiana Jones film premiered today in Korea. I've been a fan of the Indiana Jones films since my dad bought the VHS tapes at Burger King (Yeah, I know. Random.), so I definitely had to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theaters. Perhaps Indiana Jones is just much more exciting on VHS, but I must regretfully report that the fourth installment was quite a disappointment.










Here's my synopsis (I don't know what you've read online, but I may reveal a few spoilers. Don't worry though. I won't reveal anything big):

The film starts off in Nevada, 1957. Soviet soldiers overtake a U.S. military base that has conveniently been evacuated for top secret weapons testing. The soldiers pop open the trunk of one of their vehicles to reveal Dr. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, duh) and his British cohort, George "Mac" McHale (played by an actor that I don't recognize). Both men are bound and bruised. The Soviet agents, led by a raven-haired Cate Blanchett, force Indy to track down a particular crate in a warehouse of thousands of crates. With the help of a mysteriously strong (yet selective) magnetic force, Indy manages to track down the crate. The crate reads, "Roswell" and contains a metal coffin. They open the coffin, and unfortunately, it's not Max Evans. Instead, within the coffin lies a mangled non-human corpse. Then, cue the theme song, and it's time for Indy's first big action sequence. Indy eventually manages to evade the grasps of those evil Commies thanks to a NUCLEAR BOMB!?!

Indy survives and is taken in for questioning by government agents in suits. Thanks to the big Commie Crackdown of the 1950s, Indy is suspected of being a Communist sympathizer and as a result, is asked to take an extended leave of absence from his teaching position. Now, this plot point I just described isn't very important, but they seemed to make a big deal out of it in the film, so I thought I'd mention it as well.

On his way out of town, Dr. Jones is stopped by a greaser on a motorcycle, named Mutt Williams (Shia LeBeouf; BTW, this kid is a total star.). Mutt tells Jones that Indy's dear friend, Professor Harold Oxley (John Hurt) is in trouble. Oxley, or as Mutt calls him "Ox," has been on the hunt for a mysterious crystal skull, but has gone missing -- but not before sending out a cryptic letter c/o of Mutt's mother. Indy looks at the cryptic message and quickly discerns that Ox went to Peru, possibly in search of El Dorado, the mythical city of gold.

Now, hold on to your hats. This is when the story gets a little more convoluted. Basically, Indy & his snappy new sidekick, Mutt trek through Latin America in search of Ox and his big secret find. Of course, you can't keep Cate Blanchett or the Commies down, so they are hot on Indy's trail. Essentially, all of these folks are after a creepy quartz skull that is supposed to be the key to all the knowledge in the world. Or something like that.

Cue the music, Mr. John Williams!

- End of synopsis -

As I mentioned at the start of the post, the movie is disappointing. Don't get me wrong. It was entertaining. The humor, action, and structural puzzles were all there. You should definitely see it. It's just that everything seemed over the top. Perhaps I'm waxing nostalgic, but the previous Indy films were fun, yet still maintained a sense of drama and historical resonance. Crystal Skull just seemed silly and rife with implausibilities (even more so than the previous Indy films).

I will probably continue to watch any film in the Indian Jones (especially if the rumors about Nathan Fillion are true), but I have to ask: Spielberg & Lucas, what were you thinking?

Here are my top 10 gripes about the film (in no particular order):
1) The font of the opening credits. I almost missed the title due to the lame typeface. What happened to the bold "Indiana Jones" font?

2) Harrison Ford is old! I know that it's been awhile since the last Indy film, but DANG! He's old. He did his thing during the action sequences, but I better not see him as the lead in Indy 5.

3) An uninteresting villain. Cate Blanchett was wasted on such a shallow villainess. First of all, what's the deal with a Stalin loyalist that's heavily into the paranormal. What is this? Hellboy? I thought that the villains in the first film were much more interesting. Remember the bald guy that pulled out people's hearts? Or, that conflicted blonde Nazi woman? They were dastardly, but interesting.

4) Mutt's hairdo. I understand that it's the 50s, and that lead characters need some sort of idiosyncrasies, but Mutt's excessive hair primping was distracting and cheesy.

5) Crystal skull? Enough said.

6) Creepy CG animal creatures. The gophers I could tolerate. The ants were kind of interesting. But, the monkeys? Oh, no you didn't. The monkeys were wrong. Like Jar Jar Binx wrong.

7) Three waterfalls? Can a boat-car of five people really survive three waterfalls?

8) The mythology. It was a little difficult to keep the facts straight. There were too many crystal skulls.

9) The big crystal skull scene. I don't want to reveal any more, but I'm sure you'll be rolling your eyes after the big scene. You sort of know where the film is heading, but when it finally gets there, you'll find yourself asking, "Really? This is it?"

10) The romantic ending. Gag me with a spoon. So out of character, Dr. Jones.

I will always be a fan of Indiana Jones. I'll just have to rank Crystal Skull as number four on my Indian Jones list.

Iron Man

Sometimes I’m a bit baffled by the choice of American films released in Korea. For example, the Don Cheadle flick Talk to Me has just made it to Korean theaters – a year after its original release date! Meanwhile, I have yet to find Forgetting Sara Marshall or Baby Mama on the streets of Kagnam. Fortunately, you can always count on mega blockbusters like Iron Man to pervade Asian theaters in a timely manner.



Iron Man was a pleasant surprise. For those of you who are living under a rock, here’s a synopsis:

Tony Sparks is an ingenious inventor who’s made millions of dollars selling his weapons of mass destruction to the military, or so he thinks. (BTW, He is also a 바람둥이). During a business trip to an arid (Is it politically incorrect if I say the Middle East?) terrorist country, he’s captured by an ethnically unspecific group of insurgents. The terrorists give him an ultimatum: Build us your latest missile, or you die. Of course, Sparks agrees to build the missile. However, while cleverly pretending to build the weapon—actually, he doesn’t even pretend. Rather than building the missile, he openly builds a protective suit that surpasses anything that Inspector Gadget could ever build.

I should also mention that during his abduction, Sparks had shrapnel lodged in his chest. Fortunately, an adorable little doctor manages to save Sparks by installing some magnetic generator thing in his chest, which Tony later replaces with a glowing orb. Anyway, I think the point of the glowing yo-yo in his chest is to power the iron suit.

Ok, let’s fast forward. With the suit, Tony manages to escape and set off a lot of bombs. The U.S. military then finds Tony. Tony returns to Malibu with a complete change of heart. He no longer wants to make weapons that will be used to kill people. Rather, he decides to build a titanium suit that will enable HIM to kill BAD people. As Tony tries to perfect his new suit, the terrorists back in the desert get a hold of Tony’s original designs (Dude, you couldn’t even burn the designs for your suit?) and set out to build their own iron suit.

I’ve sort of simplified the conflict a bit, but I don’t want to give too much away. All I have to say is, it is a general rule of thumb in action movies to be wary of bald men.

In case you’re not into action films, the movie also features a love story between Tony Sparks and army colonel Jim Rhodes, played by Academy Nominee Terrence Howard. Jim Rhodes is in charge of the weapons division for the U.S. military, yet Tony Sparks has sworn off creating weapons for the military. Will Tony’s newfound pacifism tear the bros apart? Will Tony’s secret push Rhodes away?

The film is quite entertaining. It’s humorous and action-packed, and features a winning cast. I especially like the robot characters. I’m normally not a Gywneth Paltrow fan, but she was quite likable as Tony Spark’s indispensable assistant. Her outfits were also killer. Though, I wish they did a better job with her hair color. Robert Downey is how he usually is: sardonic and charismatic, yet looks like he needs another stint in rehab. My only gripe about this film, and I suppose most other action films, is the big battle sequence. I hate it when the hero tries to save the world, while devastating half of the city in the process.

If you stick through until the end of the incredibly long credits, you’ll see a teaser for the next film. I’m not going to tell you what I saw, because, dagnabbit, if I had to sit through the whole credits, then, so must you! All I’ll say is this: Samuel Jackson.

I’m looking forward to the sequel.

Stick It!

In total, I saw about 20 minutes of Stick It, but let me tell you, that was 20 minutes too long. I kept walking in and out of the room, but even with my sporadic viewing, the movie was simple enough for me to follow a long:

Bad ass Xtreme chick, Haley Grahama gets into trouble with the law. As punishment, she is sent to serve time at a Gymnastics Training Facility (is the US Juvenille Court System really this silly?). Having been a promising gymnast who abruptly quit the sport, Haley is not too happy about returning to the mats.... blah...blah...blah.

The movie is marketed as the gymnastics version of Bring it On. That's such a LIE.

10 Things I Learned from The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift

1) Drifting is the art of nearly wrecking the car you just spent thousands of dollars to customize. This underground sport originated in the smoothly paved mountains of Japan. The primary language used in the Tokyo drift scene is English.

2) To avoid serving time in the American juvenille jail system, simply move to Asia to live with your dead beat dad.

3) There aren't very many Japanese people in Tokyo, at least none that we should care about (that is, unless they're yakuza).

4) It's really easy to jump into the Japanese high school system if you know the following Japanese terms: gaijin, sumimasen, and wabaki.

5) If you drive above 180 km in Tokyo, the cops won't bother to go after you.

6) You can make a lot of money selling clocks and sneakers to Japanese citizens.

7) The prizes for racing/drifting usually suck, and aren't worth endangering your life or the lives of hapless bystanders.

8) A cameo by Vin Diesel is all you need to justify your film's use of the Fast & Furious brand.

9) If the video store is out of Tokyo Drift, simply rent Better Luck Tomorrow for a comparable viewing experience.

10) American cars are far superior to Japanese cars. U.S.A! U.S.A!

Everything is Illuminated

Based on the novel by Jonathan Safran Foer. Kind of independenty, but it involves Elijah Wood, Liev Schreiber, and Warner, so not really. Definitely recommend it. Off beat sense of humor mixed in with tragedy and mild political commentary .

Summary: Eccentric "collector", Jonathan Safran Foer (Elijah Wood) goes to Ukraine in search of the woman that saved his grandfather's life in WWII. Lead by Alex (an Ali G. with heart), a hip hop and "Negro" (his word, not mine!) loving translator, Alex's "blind" grandfather, and their "seeing eye bitch", Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. Ultimately, JonFren and company embark on a "rigid search", confront buried secrets, question famliy histories, and -- everything is illuminated.

Rent it.

Good Movies: Inside Man & Jarhead

The Inside Man

Clive Owen is the clever leader of a gang of bank robbers. Denzel Washington is the detective in charge of negotiating with Clive Owen, et al. Jody Foster is the line straddling woman of mystery who can impressively run around all day in some really high stilettos. Christopher Plummer is the aging owner of the bank who’s hiding a dark secret. I apologize for the crappy summary, but I don’t want to give away too much.

At first, I was surprised to learn that Inside Man was a Spike Lee film, but then after all the cursing, racial tension, NYC, and blend of comedy & drama, I was like, yeah, I can see that. Actually, I can’t really say that I know what a “Spike Lee film” is given that I’ve never seen a Spike Lee film in its entirety. In any case, based on Inside Man, I’ve determined that I enjoy Spike Lee films.

Like your typical heist film, Inside Man delightfully strings you along as you try to figure out the motive, the pay off, and how the robbers are going to escape from a freakin’ bank surrounded by cops! This, however, is a heist film with layers. It’s the thinking man’s (or woman’s) heist film [Just don’t think TOO hard, or you may spot all the plot holes]. What sets this film apart is the moral ambiguity of the characters. Sure, Clive Owen, as heist leader, Dalton Russell, is technically a criminal, but come on, he’s Clive Owen. He’s the inexplicably attractive Everyman. You can’t help but pull for him. Russell seems to be a ruthless criminal, but then you see him lecture a kid about violent video games or beat a guy senseless instead of gunning him down. That’s when you think to yourself, maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all? Similarly, as Detective Keith Frazier, Denzel Washington is positioned at the film’s good guy, and yet, there’s something about Detective Keith Frazier that leads you to believe that he has his price. Frazier may be committed to bringing about a resolution, but if the bribe were high enough, he just might be willing to switch sides. Of course, I can’t forget Jodie Foster as Madeline White, a sleek, power woman who straddles the line between good and evil. You’ll spend most of the movie asking yourself, what’s her deal? Christopher Plummer is quite adept at playing an old, rich, white guy, but I couldn’t help but picture him in lederhosen (He was in The Sound of Music, you sickos!)

The cast is obviously great (even Willem Dafoe wasn’t as creepy as he usually is), but I have to give a shout out to the screenwriter(s). The dialogue was snappy and hilarious. The zings just kept on coming. I’m going to go out on a sexist limb and say that the writer was male based on the high proliferation of the F-word. I’m sure that cops swear a lot. I’m even sure that bank robbers swear a lot, but was all that swearing necessary?

I mean, we get it. This is badass Denzel Washington, not Preacher’s Wife Denzel. He is manly, strong, and will f#!@ing swear whenever he feels like it!

My only complaint is the camera work. I’m sure that there’s some sort of cinematic merit to the effect, but I hate it when the camera is strapped to a body and captures ALL the motion. I’m talking about that scene where the camera shakes along with the actors as they run through the streets of New York. It’s like the Saving Private scene where they ride to Normandy Beach. I almost tossed the candies that I had so adeptly smuggled into the theaters. Ok, that’s not true, but nonetheless, I found that shaking effect quite obnoxious.

This may not be the greatest film of all time, but it’s certainly better than most of the films in the theaters right now. If you feel like supporting the movie theater industry, definitely see Inside Man. Otherwise, you should definitely see it on DVD. Just watch it soon, so that I can gloat about all the clues I spotted and how I figured out some of the “twists.”

Jarhead

Based on a best-selling memoir, Jarhead follows Marine Anthony Swofford (Jake Gyllenhaal) from boot camp to active duty in the Middle East. Set during the Gulf War: The Original, I finally learn what happened in the 90s.

I get the sense that most of the people I saw this with didn’t feel the same way, but I thought this film was awesome! It’s hilarious, but in a smart, reflective, satirical sort of way. I can’t remember the exact quote, but one of the soldiers, played by Peter Sarsgaard, says something to the effect of: “Forget the politics. We’re here. This is our job.” The actual line is so much smarter, but essentially, this is what Jarhead is about. Centered on the experience of sharp shooter, Anthony Swofford, Jarhead doesn’t focus so much on the politics of the war, but rather, illustrates the day to day experiences of the common soldier. At the start of the film, war is a far off concept. Time is spent masturbating, goofing around, and training for war. However, when war suddenly becomes a reality, we are reminded that these silly, potty-mouthed young men actually have to put their lives on the line. It’s no longer fun and games.

Regardless of your sentiments towards war, this film begs you to think about the individuals involved in war, the soldiers who, regardless of their politics, have a job to do. Jamie Foxx puts in a noteworthy performance as Staff Sgt. Sykes. His performance is a fine example of how Foxx has learned to reign in his comedic talents and be funny without goggling his eyes and going over the top, i.e., No Major Payne (Yes, I know that was Damon Wayans). Jake Gyllenhaal is a hottie, but he can act too. Peter Sarsgaard takes another turn as the messed up friend with major issues, and delivers.

It’s got my recommendation.

V for Vendetta

Sometime in the fictional future, the U.S. turns out be as big of jerk as everyone around the world is hoping it’d be, and ends up a pathetic wasteland. Apparently, as a result, the British let a despotic “high chancellor” take over the country and institute a national curfew, ubiquitous surveillance, and a really ominous red and black motif. Their only hope is a mysterious freedom fighter named “V” with an elaborate plan to expose the government’s treachery, galvanize the public, and blow up lots of stuff. Along the way, V unexpectedly meets (and tortures) the dysfunctional love of his life, and learns that there may be more to life than revolution and alliteration.

V for Vendetta is rumored to be the last film by the Wachowski brothers. I hate to say it, but maybe that’s a good idea. V for Vendetta had all the makings of a sure-fire hit: It’s based on a comic book, it stars a female lead who looks fabulous even as a baldie [Curse you, Portman!] and an enigmatic male lead who’s name no one knows, but who’s face & voice everyone will recognize; it’s “from the creators of The Matrix trilogy.” I’m sorry to report that the movie’s quite a disappointment.

The film’s anti-hero, V (Hugo Weaving) is likeably psychotic, but way to melodramatic for my taste. His creepy Guy Fawkes mask doesn’t help either. With a penchant for lengthy, alliterative soliloquies, foppish wigs, and random whimsical moods, V is like a mix between the Phantom of the Opera, Batman, and the Riddler – just way weirder. Natalie Portman is gorgeous, yet quirky as ever, as Evey, a tortured young woman who unwittingly becomes involved in V’s plans for revolution. I’m not trying to make myself the accent police, but once again, another distracting attempt at an accent mars an otherwise, decent performance. [Every time Portman spoke, I was reminded of Drew Barrymore in Ever After.] She is, however, pretty good at acting tortured. When Evey is forced to take a shower, shave her head, and eat nasty oatmeal, you’re actually convinced that such acts are quite torturous. In my opinion, the star of the show was the film’s everyman, Detective Finch (Stephen Rea). The audience can’t help but feel for Finch as he struggles to figure out WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON.

The film underlines several big themes. Frankly, they make them quite hard to miss.

#1 There is no such thing as a coincidence.

#2 Everyone is wearing a mask. It’s up to you to look beyond it… and ignore the disfigurement and lack of eyeballs.

#3 Symbols are bad (except for “V”, anything red, and Guy Fawkes masks); thus, we should blow up any building of significance.

#4 V for Vendetta is actually “Holocaust Redux.”

#5 Natalie Portman shaved her head for this movie, people. This is a very serious film.

#6 Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Okay, that’s not actually one of the themes, but it should be. V did some pretty awful things to Evey.

#7 Guy Fawkes was executed on November 5^th.

I understand that the attention span of the average media consumer may be dwindling, but you don’t have to smack people over the head with the film’s themes. If they don’t get it, they don’t get it.

I appreciated the dramatic imagery: explosions, fireworks, the mob of revolutionaries in cloak and masks, the elaborate domino setup, the consistent use of black and red. etc, but it took forever for the film to get interesting. If you have a character as crazy as V is, it’s best to establish some back story early on that will enable the audience to tolerate all of his baffling antics.

There were moments of what I imagine was profound social commentary or notes on the state of humanity, but between Weaving’s mumbling and the wordy dialogue, gotta say that I missed it.

My recommendation: I know you won’t listen or it’s already too late, but a trip to the movie theater is unnecessary. Just wait until it hits video stores. It’ll be really easy to find. Just look under “V.”

Reese Witherspoon: Double Feature

I. Just Like Heaven
II. Walk the Line

Just Like Heaven

Reese Witherspoon, I mean, Dr. Elizabeth Masterson, is smart, uptight, and hard-working, with a dash of vulnerability. Despite her dedication to her patients and the hospital, her colleagues, friends, and family continually clown on her for being a workaholic spinster with no social life. One fateful night, Elizabeth gets into a fatal car accident. Abruptly cut forward to an unspecified amount of time later, and we meet David Abbott (Mark Ruffalo), a non-threatening alcoholic, on the hunt for a furnished apartment. Fortunately for David, Elizabeth’s sister is quite morbid, and puts Elizabeth’s apartment up for rent, fully furnished – including her stained bed sheets and personal photos. David moves into the incredibly spacious San Francisco apartment only to find the demanding spirit of Elizabeth Masterson. Elizabeth has no idea who she is or what happened to her, and enlists the reluctant help of David to figure out her story. As is the way of chick flicks, David and Elizabeth find that the solutions to their respective problems are each other.

The film is predictable and at times, quite ridiculous, but now that I’ve had a few days to let it sink in, I think it was quite enjoyable. Firstly, how can you resist the charming Mark Ruffalo. Even if his character’s kind of an alcoholic, he’s still so likeable. Elizabeth Masterson is rather a challenge to like as she is bossy, self-centered, and really slow to realize that she’s a spirit, but if Mark Ruffalo likes her, then we like her. John Heder co-stars as psychic bookstore clerk, Darryl, or as I like to call him, “Napoleon Dynamite Moves to San Francisco.” Heder’s character is quite unnecessary except to draw in male audience members with the weak promise, “Dude, Napoleon Dynamite is in this movie.”

The best scenes in the film center on the relationship between Elizabeth & David. Witherspoon & Ruffalo build up some nice little tension before they quickly start falling in love. There’s also a strange, yet entertaining bit where Elizabeth teaches David how to perform a dangerous medical procedure on a dying man. In fact, that’s probably how I should describe the whole movie – strange, yet entertaining.

My recommendation: Mark Ruffalo.

Walk the Line

Feeling partly responsible for his older brother’s death as a young boy, Johnny Cash went through most of his life with some MAJOR issues. Walk the Line follows the rise of music legend Johnny Cash filled with all the requisite rock star clichés: rough childhood, lots of rejection, stifling first wife, drugs, meaningless sex, countless number of children, and a crush on Reese Witherspoon. The biopic quickly scans through Johnny’s professional career in order to focus on the tumultuous love affair between Johnny Cash and June Carter.

It’s really hard to make fun of Walk the Line because it’s a pretty awesome movie.

Joaquin Phoenix is definitely deserving of an Oscar nod. Phoenix was particularly effective in portraying Johnny’s harrowing addiction to prescription drugs. I don’t know if he subscribes to the school of method acting, but Phoenix looked like crap! Well done, Joaquin. Reese Witherspoon, to my chagrin, also proved to be a good actress. Generally, I think she gets by with her snappy personality and by wrinkling her little button nose, but she demonstrated subtlety in her portrayal of June Carter’s complex feelings towards Johnny Cash. My only problem with Witherspoon was her Southern accent. I know that Witherspoon is actually from the South, but her Southern twang was rather distracting, sort of equivalent to Halle Barry donning a mouth grill and dropping the last consonant of each word in B*A*P*S. Witherspoon just got a little too cartoonish when she went into angry Southern female mode. She may have been deserving of an Oscar nomination, but I still don’t understand how she was a sure-bet for the win. The film is very much a love letter to June Carter, so perhaps that confused Academy voters. June Carter was so cool (at least according to the film) that her coolness transferred onto Reese Witherspoon.

Much of the film is (fittingly) dedicated to the music of Johnny Cash & June Carter.
Both Witherspoon and Phoenix surprised me with their singing talents (even though I’ve seen the trailer a million times). Phoenix does a decent imitation of Cash. Witherspoon sounds nothing like June Carter, but after asking my sister to search for June Carter on itunes, I learned, that’s a good thing. I did not consider myself a Johnny Cash fan, but I am now a “Johnny Cash as portrayed by Joaqyin Phoenix” fan.

My recommendation: Despite all the hype, I recommend Walk the Line for the strong performances and the good music.

Doogal [Just Arrived in Theaters, but Probably Not for Long]

I am afraid to go into the details of the movie, because even I was confused by the story, and I actually saw the movie! Here’s my best attempt at a summary:
Candy-junkie, dog hero Doogal, and a gang of random animals + a locomotive train embark on a quest for three magical diamonds that will free Doogal’s best friend, Florence from a frozen carousel and stop the evil plans of a villainous spring (yes, like the thing found in a mattress), Zeebad and his plan to freeze the sun. Filled with out-dated pop culture references, snappy characters, and an infuriatingly incompetent “hero”, Doogal is as crappy as you’d think it’d be.

I appreciate imagination and originality, but seriously, wizard springs (yes, the ones that go boing, boing. They’re like a jack-in-box without a box.) with magical facial hair, a convoluted story about magical diamonds that make everything right, and a romance between a snail & cow – that’s what I call crossing the line. The burden of every animation house (maybe with the exception of Pixar) is to distinguish themselves from the incomparable force that is Pixar, so you know that the folks at the Weinstein Company were like, forget artistry and detail; forget a tight story line or an effective use of voice talent; forget thoughtful themes that will stick with children for years to come. We’re going to settle for Veggie Tales caliber animation and a story ridden with plot holes, so that we can focus all our efforts (i.e., money) to getting a really cool cast! Once we get a talented cast, the movie will write itself.

You must be wondering, Anna what on earth were you thinking!?! Seriously, how could you expect any more than crap? Here’s my rationale:

1) His name is Doogal!
2) Look at him.
3) The trailer.
4) John Stewart
5) Jimmy Fallon.
6) William H. Macy.
7) Judi Dench [She won an Oscar. Was I so wrong in thinking that Oscar winners no longer take on crappy movies?].
8) Come on, the movie is called Doogal. How cute is that?
9) My sister also wanted to see the movie.


If you put the inanely complex plot aside, the next most tragic element was, I’m saddened to say, my beloved Doogal. Voiced by the kid from Elf (Daniel Tay), Doogal is the worst hero or lead one could hope for. First of all, he’s the very one that accidentally releases the villainous Zeebad and necessitates this arduous quest in the first place! Secondly, he’s so one-track minded. That dog cannot think when candy is involved. He will do anything for candy, even if it puts his friends in danger. With so much attention to Doogal’s troublesome love for candy, you would think that this movie is a tale about the dangers of “candy” addiction, but at the end of the film, Doogal’s owner, Florence, rewards him with a piece of candy! Movie heroes, even if they’re tragically flawed, manage to go through some sort of character arc. Not Doogal. He ends up as incompetent and selfish as he was at the start of the film. To top it all of, Doogal is physically incapable of doing anything other than scuttle across the floor, eat candy, fetch, or lick people in the face. I don’t care how cute your name is; heroes must serve some purpose, and ideally, save the day!

Aside from the moments where we cracked up at the sheer ridiculousness of the film, there were actual moments of pure hilarity, due in large part to the charms of the voice talent. Jimmy Fallon voices Dylan, a stoner, hippy bunny that is taller than a cow. Whoopi Goldberg voices said cow, Ermintrude with the attitude and snappiness required of all comedic black actresses. Sweet William H. Macy voices sweet Brian, a snail madly in love with Ermintrude (yes, the COW). Chevy Chase voices the train, which I did not realize could speak until half way through the film. Ian McKellan does what he can now do in his sleep as the good wizard spring, Zebedee. John Stewart is stand out funny (although that’s not saying much) as arch nemesis spring, Zeebad, while Bill Hader (yeah, I don’t know who that is either) plays Zeebad’s adorable henchman, Soldier Sam. Kylie Minogue plays Florence, Doogal’s “best friend”, but she remains frozen throughout most of the film, so it’s rather difficult to mess that part up. To top it all of, that classy dame, Judi Dench narrates. Kevin Smith also proves to be one of the top performers as an internal dialoguing Moose, whose character is actually quite unnecessary. He kind of just appears than disappears for no apparent reason.

One could argue that Doogal was intended for a much younger audience (i.e., people with less discriminating taste), but then how do you explain all the outdated references to the Lord of the Rings, Matrix, Indian Jones, and Harry Potter, or the sexual tension between Ermintrude and Brian? The filmmakers clearly had an adult audience in mind. My only other explanation for the crappiness of the film is that it was produced by half of the free world. The opening credits take about 30 minutes as it displays all the different parties involved in the making of this film. It was apparently a collaboration of UK, French, and U.S. filmmakers. I’m going to blame the crappy magical diamond storyline on the French. I’ll give props to the U.K. leg for wrangling in Dench. The unappealing animation and strange character choices go to Europe in general. The U.S. takes the fall for producing a deceivingly entertaining trailer, the hip pop culture references that are so not hip anymore, and everything else that is wrong with the film.

I think I am especially disappointed by Doogal because it’s the start of an exciting season of CG animation films (Cars, Open Season, Happy Feet, Ice Age II, The Wild, And Bully, and Over the Hedge). This just means that animated films are off to a rough start, and based on the Cars trailer, I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

Doogal, ala Pixar, is preceded by an animated short about a stupid, obese gopher who tries to steal food from delivery trucks to no avail. In addition to sense of frustration, the short leaves you with a horrifying image of a fat gopher stuck to the rear end of an even fatter cow.

My recommend: Obviously, don’t see it. I do, however, recommend the trailer. Cyndi is quite sad that she had to waste her movie gift certificate on Doogal. I guess this makes us even after Into the Blue. ;)


EXTRA
One of the positives that came out of this movie going experience was the pre-movie show. In the past, you were forced to watch a Sprite bottle race a Dr. Pepper bottle or contemplate what the wooden box used to raise up camera equipment is called (apple box!). Now days, movie theaters (at least the AMC theaters) have created the “First Look” series. Essentially it’s a promotional piece for soon to be released movies guised as a behind the scenes special that doesn’t really tell you anything. My “first look” was a featurette on Walking the Line. I was not impressed. The “first look” preceding Doogal, on the other hand, was much more entertaining. It featured a short clip from a new Cartoon Network show called My Gym Partner’s a Monkey (and a “look” at the new Robin Williams flick, RV). Even if evil marketing execs are using this first look to manipulate a captive young audience through the use of cartoon shorts, I’m quite happy to watch cartoons while I wait for my crappy movie to start. I much rather be exploited by the Cartoon Network than have to watch Coca-Cola sponsored movie trivia interspersed with ads for Bryman College.

Doogal gets a F+, but the “First Look” before Doogal gets a B.

He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Intergalactic twin super heroes, He-Man and She-Ra must save two really annoying earth children from the grinch of their galaxy, Horde Prime. Meanwhile, all the children care about is the fact that they’re missing Christmas.

Though my memories of He-Man & She-Ra are vague, both shows still hold a special place in my heart. I can’t claim to be a die hard fan, but I enjoyed He-Man because of its evil villain, Skeletor, who was like Gargemel, but slightly more menacing. I, however, adored the spin-off series, She-Ra. I liked She-Ra because she was like Barbie, only she did something with her life. Plus, She-Ra also had really cool friends, like the mermaid lady, and the woman who could turn everything into flowers and rainbows. She-Ra also had killer boots and pretty hair. I really appreciated how the show refrained from stereotyping the likes and interests of little girls.

With that said, I’m quite disappointed to report that He-Man & She-Ra are not as cool as I remember. Now, before I launch into my scathing review of the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, I have to give much respect to my M.A. advisor, Prof. Don Roberts, the educational and psychological consultant for the He-Man series. Prof. Roberts helped bring pro-social messaging to Saturday morning cartoons. Thus, as I make fun of the Christmas special, I must note that this great classic was designed for a much younger audience, not snotty little twenty-somethings.

In an effort to refrain from overly religious themes, the Christmas Special emphasizes Christmas as the season of giving – the giving of presents that is. Unfortunately, thanks to the blundering of He-Man’s sidekick, Orko, two Earth children are accidentally transported back to Eternia, causing them to miss the joyous holiday of gift-giving. Let’s just say that the special gets off to a rough start.

One of the reasons I found the opening so disappointing was Orko. I forgot about Orko, not to mention how ANNOYING he is! I hate bumbling sidekicks. Why do superheroes always have to hang out with annoying sidekicks? You’re a superhero! You CAN get cooler friends. Furthermore, Orko had to pick up the craziest kids on Earth, brother & sister pair, Manuel & Alicia. Firstly, Orko found these kids hanging out in the frozen tundra unsupervised. What kind of children go out looking for a Christmas tree in the middle of the Arctic? Crazy kids, that’s what kind. Secondly, these kids were unfazed by Orko (Admit it, if it weren’t for his dorky voice, he’d look pretty scary) or the fact that he transported them across the universe to another planet! To top off their creepiness, the kids were very Earth-centric. When Orko innocently asks the children what “Christmas” is, the children were like, “Duh! You don’t know what Christmas is…” Jerks. Then, when the kids find out they may be stranded on Eternia, they were like, “Does hat mean we’re going to miss Christmas [and not get my new He-Man action figure]? Wah. Wah. Wah Wah.” Jeez, get your priorities in order.

Despite how creepy these kids are, Horde Prime sets his sights on them for reasons I don’t quite understand. According to IMDB, Horde Prime was drawn to their “overflowing goodwill.” Yeah, I guess I missed that part. So, Horde Prime dispenses all his goons, including my boy Skeletor, to hunt down these crazy kids. It’s at this moment that I realize why guys today are so obsessed with working out. It’s the He-Man complex. He-Man is obviously buff, and Skeletor is definitely no slouch. Bad Gator guy? Ripped. Evil guy with two heads? Ripped. Spikey head guy? Ripped. Note to guys: Abandon these unrealistic images of the ideal male form. You will never look like He-Man. Also, why would you even want to look like He-Man? He’s, you know… I mean, just look at him.

Even creepier than the kids, was She-Ra’s horse, Swifty. I didn’t realize Swifty even spoke until the Christmas Special. I definitely never imagined such a gruff, man voice. Swifty’s like a cross between Danny DeVito and a My Little Pony. Second in odd voice casting was Cutter, the Deadly Robot, voiced by Wallace Shawn. Okay, he really wasn’t voiced by Wallace Shawn, but he sure did sound like him.

Overall, the film was quite disappointing. I guess that’s what happens when you watch A Christmas Special in 2006 instead of 1985. I was especially looking forward to all the cameos by the friends of He-Man & She-Ra, but most of the screen time was sucked up by Alicia, Miguel, & Orko. Argh! The story was excruciatingly cheesy and there was little action. Perhaps my expectations were simply too high. Over 15 years of nostalgic affection for He-Man & She-Ra ruined my viewing experience. OR, maybe Alicia & Manuel really were THAT annoying. They are timelessly annoying, if you will.

As much as it pains me, I have to say that this rental was NOT WORTH IT. Preserve the halcyon days of yore. Don’t ruin those golden childhood memories with the cynicism of adulthood. With that said, I can’t wait to see Jem on DVD!