21 June 2005


Kim Basinger is mysteriously taken hostage by a bunch of thugs. The thugs want to know where her husband is, because he's apparently wronged them. Kim screams in return, "You have the wrong family! You have the wrong family!" (How does she know? Maybe her husband has done something wrong.)

The lead thug (Jason Statham) gets mad and locks her in the attic. Then he goes out, but returns with a huge knife. We're suppose to think for a moment that he's going to chop off Kim's head (we wish), but instead, demolishes the phone, because apparently, it's simply too hard to just pull out the cord. The travesty! Kim has no way of calling for help. Fortunately, Kim is a high school bio teacher and knows how to rewire a demolished phone (guess I missed that bio lesson). The blonde genius miraculously manages to dial the NOKIA cell phone of a goofy college-aged dude played by Chris Evans. Kim, in a freakishly calm voice (that I probably would have hung up on), proceeds to fill the Dude in: I'm being held hostage. They're going to kill me. I don't know where I am. Help me. blah blah blah.

The Dude, although he has some pressing matters to take care of (he has to pick up a box of t-shirts), decides to help the crazy lady out. Now, in real life, the first logical step would be to look at the caller ID. Apparently, however, the Dude's fancy NOKIA phone doesn't have such a feature. The next logical step would be to take the NOKIA phone to a police station. Surprise! That's what actually happens. Unfortunately, the cops are too busy, so the Dude doesn't get any help. Sweet William H. Macy tries to help the Dude out, but he's also too busy to address the matter, and just takes a message. I don't remember why the cops were busy, but I'm sure it was important -- Not. (I hate movies that could easily be solved in two-minutes with a more logical solution).

--- Now, if I were to proceed with this review, I'd probably make fun of the scene where the Dude holds up a cellular store or hijacks a car, but I'll spare you. Plus, I'm too lazy.

Bottom line: The movie is crap -- and not the good kind. It's just one big commercial for NOKIA. If you ever hear the phrase, "This film is this year's Cellular" that's not a compliment. It means, "Ha. Ha. We suckered you into seeing Cellular, maybe we can sucker you into spending money on this new piece of crap."

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