22 November 2005

Saw II [Somewhere in between the theaters & blockbuster]

If you saw the original Saw movie you probably went into it thinking that it was going to be a big piece of crap, but instead, were pleasantly surprised. If that's the case, you probably went into SAW II thinking that'd it be just as cool, if not cooler. Sucker!

"Jigsaw" is back (despite having lain facedown in a pool of blood for hours and hours in a horrifically dirty restroom), and he's up to his usual shenanigans. Confronted with his impending mortality after being diagnosed with cancer, Jigsaw has taken it upon himself to teach society’s lowlife the value of life by chaining them to some horrifically ingenious contraption of death, forcing them to choose between death and a highly unattractive means of escape with about a minute’s notice. This time around, Jigsaw’s set up a whole house full of idiots: token Latino hothead (Franky G – that’s the actor’s chosen name, I swear), Lucy Camden on Prozac (Beverly Mitchell), token non-threatening black guy (Glenn Plummer), token threatening black guy (Lyric Bent), the ditz from Becker (Shawnee Smith), the doctor with big eyes from Smallville (Emanuelle Vaugier), seedy looking white guy (Tim Burd), and a forgettable, angst-ridden teen . Add in Bai Ling, and you got yourself a United Colors of Benneton ad.

In the first film, the cops weren’t taking the whole Jigsaw drama very seriously. I mean, they put Danny Glover on the case, but come on, Danny Glover hasn’t been the same since that last Lethal Weapon (Come on now, The Cookout!?! Mr. Glover, what are you doing? Do you need some money?) This time, however, they have a whole team on the case, lead by badass cop, played by badass Donny Wahlberg and an alleged “Jigsaw” expert, played by Dina Meyer.

So at this point, you must be wondering, so how exactly is this movie different from the first one? First of all, it’s got a roman numeral two in the title. Secondly, it’s got… did I mention it’s called “Saw II”?

I'm really into supporting the struggling careers of former NKTOB members (I mean, did you catch Jonathan Knight on Oprah? Who would've thought he suffered from some serious stage fright? Okay, I guess it's not that big of a surprise...), but come on Donny, help us out here. You have to lighten up. There’s no way anyone can take you seriously. Jordan and Joey have realized this. There’s no need to try so hard. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but let’s face it: you’re never going to win an Academy Award. Take a cue from Cary Elwes in Saw (the Original). He played it serious, but at the same time, you could tell he knew what he was getting into. He was like, “Wassup, America. I know I gained a lot of weight. I know I look old. I know that this Saw thing may turn out to be a huge flop, but you know what, I was in the Princess Bride, biatches. That’s what’s up.” Donny Wahlberg is how Tyra Banks is with the whole talk show thing. He’s thinking that this is his next BIG thing, when, in truth, all it will get him is syndication on Action 36.

That’s the problem with SAW II. I mean, there are many problems with Saw II, but perhaps most annoying is the bad acting. I saw the first one. I know it’s intense, but can we turn it down a notch every now and then?

I know that Jigsaw is freaking ca-razy. He’s going to kill people. Nobody can really help them. He’s got a really scary puppet thing that rides around on a rusty tricycle. I’d certainly be freaking out if I were one of them, but the problem is, this is a MOVIE, not real life. We don’t need to see two hours of annoying, freaked out people, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I’m no film expert, but I think movies are much more enjoyable when the audience has at least one character to sympathize with. It’s nothing but slim pickings in Saw II.

Option A: hotheaded detective who doesn’t give a crap about anything
Option B: Annoying expert who claims to have been studying Jigsaw for years yet knows NOTHING
Option C: A stupid lot of victims who couldn’t survive their way out of a paper bag
Option D: Psychotic serial killer, dying of cancer

If you forced me to pick, I guess I’d have to go with option D.

One goes into sequels with the hope that the second film will be just as good, if not better than the original. Perhaps we need to stop deluding ourselves.

I should mention that Saw II opens up the possibility for a Saw III. If you are one of the crazies who makes it out for Saw III, all I can say is: You FOOL! I guess I’ll see you at the theaters next year around Halloween.

My recommendation: So not worth it, but still better than Into the Blue.

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